I’m not a huge fan of celebrity blogging. Having said this, I admit that there’s much enjoyment to be had by mocking the celebrities. Then again, I suppose one can derive enjoyment from mocking anyone (after all, it DOES make you feel better about yourself—like when I tell my neighbor’s kid that his parents wish he’d never been born or when I tell my wife she’s ugly and if I left her I could get someone WAY better in about 15 seconds) but I just don’t really care about the pathetic lives and ridiculously insulated ideologies of America’s celebrities.
That being said, I felt as though a recent comment by Ms. Hilton exceeded normal levels of absurdity regularly displayed by the Hollywood elite. Yesterday several news sources (including Fox, MSNBC, CNN, et al) reported that the semi-retarded heiress was planning to wed Benji Madden in a dual ceremony with fellow short-bus rider Nicole Richie and her baby-daddy Joel Madden.
There are so many things wrong with that statement that I don’t even know where to begin.
Let me start by saying that I am a fan of lists. Oh, not like The Dude is a fan (I’m semi-pro to his pro) but I have a predilection for making top 10 lists of all sorts. For example: top 10 coolest cars, top 10 chicks who need to bang me, top 10 politicians I’d like to see fit with cement shoes, top 10 threats to my sanity, top 10 people I’d like to punch in the penis and/or vagina, and so on.
Paris Hilton is on several of the lists I’ve made. In particular, she ranks very high on the last list I mentioned: the top 10 people I’d like to punch in the penis and/or vagina (so does John Madden, my arch nemesis). In Ms. Hilton’s case, however, I would require a level “B” MOPP suit (at a minimum) to protect me from the gaping, viral cesspool that is her cooter.
The bottom line here is that I hate that disease infested, empty minded, publicity whore with all my being. The bitch has no talent, is about as attractive as my aunt’s grundle (my aunt weighs like 300 lbs), and her “that’s hot” saying makes me want to blind myself with the golden brooches from my mother’s dress (that’s an Oedipal reference for those of you that are confused).
But as I usually do, I digress.
So here’s the deal. The United States in currently involved in two wars, more than 4000 servicemen and women have died in Iraq alone, we’re paying $4 a gallon for gas, we’re facing an unprecedented threat to the dollar (China effectively owns our currency—and therefore us), we’re in the middle of massive economic downturn (today’s word is recession), global warming is occurring at an alarming rate (and nobody really seems to know why), killer storms are pounding the heartland, and we have a Presidential election in less than 7 months. Why, in the name of the blessed, tap-dancing Christ are we reporting on the vacuous shit that comes out of Paris Hilton’s mouth? Does anyone really fucking care?
And what kind of sorry, stupid slut would make a public display about wanting to get married to a guy she’s been dating for like 4 hours in a dual ceremony with his brother and the starving scarecrow from my neighbor’s farm? I bet she got the idea when they were swinging in unison on the playground swing set. Because you know what that means. I swear to jumping Jesus, that girl is an intellectual giant. Somebody should name a scholarship fund after her. Or a school.
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