I was on Wikipedia today and noticed a glaring and inexcusable omission from their lexicon. Nowhere in that (seemingly) most relevant encyclopedic archive is there a listing, definition, description, or catalogue of the word “Assmonkey”.

Now, I recognize that many of you may wonder why this is important. You may question the term’s relevance to and application in your everyday life. You may even think me foolish for spending my time writing about assmonkeys. The answer is simple: fuck you and suck my balls.

An Assmonkey (aka: asshat, ass, assclown, asshole, asswipe, bag, bastard, bitch, cock, cockmaster, cunt, dick, dickhead, dipshit, douche, douche bag, dumbass, dumbfuck, fag, faggot, fool, fuck, fucker, fuckhead, fucktard, fuckwit, gay, George Bush, homo, idiot, ignorant, jackass, jerk, loser, moron, n00b, retard, retarded, shithead, stupid, tard, tool, twat, or wanker) is defined by the Urban Dictionary as:

Ass·mon·key: [ass-muhng-kee] noun, plural -keys, verb, -keyed, -key·ing
–noun
1. A close relative of an asshat.
2. Someone that asks stupid questions.
3. A complete idiot.
4. A politician.
“Hillary Clinton is such a fucking assmonkey.”
–verb (used without object)
5. Informal. to play or trifle idly; fool (often fol. by around or with).
“Jim was assmonkeying with the banana and now it’s stuck up his butt.”
–verb (used with object)
6. To imitate foolishly.
“I was assmonkeying John McCain yesterday. It was totally hilarious! What a fucking douche bag that guy is.”


Here’s the deal. Hillary Clinton is a fucking assmonkey.

Assmonkey

Can you believe this bitch’s gall? For the first time in I don’t know how many years the democrats have a candidate that almost everyone likes…rather than one that people simply detest less than his opponent. I mean, a candidate that smoking women write songs about and that dudes want to have a beer with. You know what, that candidate ain’t Hillary.

Look, I’ve been a Republican all my life. When I was kid my parents used to take me hunting for liberals—and this is back during the Reagan administration when liberals were endangered. I was weaned from my mother’s teat with the tears and crushed dreams of the poor. For fun during the summer we used to go to orphanages with a bunch of toys and a cute little puppy, fill out all the paperwork to adopt one of those little bastards, and then, just as we were leaving, refuse to take him home. Thos were some good times, I tell you, good ole’ Republican fun.

The point here is that I have been a hard-core porn addict right-winged, elitist, democrat hating, Machiavellian, dick-hole Republican for as long as I can remember.

But now I find myself actually starting to care about people who are not me. And I’m beginning to think that maybe we should interject some responsibility into our environmental policy, or our foreign policy, or our education/health care/economics/poverty/etc policies.

Maybe it’s time to realize that it’s not okay to get rich on the broken dreams of your employees. Maybe we actually have an obligation to take some of the unparalleled wealth possessed by the upper class in this country—wealth that they’ve obtained largely by paying their employees minimal wages, giving them pitiful benefits, and driving them like rented mules—and give it back to those who did the work in the first place.

Maybe there actually is a better system than Capitalism. I don’t know what it is but somebody should figure that shit out.

I find it ridiculous that we can look back at the conditions that existed for the working class during the industrial revolution with such horror and not see the parallel in our own society today. We call the Catholic Church barbaric for the Inquisition and the Crusades and we abhor the idea of slavery and segregation and racism and yet we still despise homosexuals and tell them that they’re not as valuable as the rest of us and they don’t deserve the same opportunities.

How is dragging a gay man to death behind a truck any different than killing a Jew in a concentration camp? How is bombing an abortion clinic any different than burning protestants at the stake? How is refusing a gay couple the right to adopt any different than forcing a woman to wear a scarlet letter A and making an outcast of her and her illegitimate child?

The amazing thing is that we view ourselves as modern and progressive and educated. And yet we destroy lives in the name of a faceless, unknowable god who is petty and vindictive and cares about what you eat or wear or say, even when it hurts no one. A god who says that infant children who don’t get baptized are going to hell or who demands that women be circumcised by having their clitoris cut out. A perverted and voyeuristic god who watches us while we have sex or take a shit.

The list of human stupidity is literally endless.

And so today—when we’re faced with 4 more years of incompetent, indifferent, and belligerent leadership by a fossilized shell of a human being who lacks the character to be what he says he is—when we have an opportunity to elect as our President a man who has consistently attempted to raise the debate above a petty popularity contest and make it about what this country needs…that fucking assmonkey, Hillary Clinton, is so self-obsessed and so ethically bankrupt and willing to whore herself to anyone, anything, or any cause that will get her elected that she is destroying the best hope for hope that we’ve had in 20 years. That’s effectively a generation.

How tragic it is, the lost opportunities of a ruined life.

Folks, dear 8 pounds 6 ounces baby Jesus...new born...not even spoken a word yet, isn’t it time that we actually take responsibility for our government? Can’t we please just tell that frigid, lying, hell-spawned assmonkey that she’s not getting the fucking nomination and start building again—and I don’t mean like we had Halliburton do in Iraq, I’m talking about building bridges to our former friends, building up our broken domestic policy, building up America's greatness again.

Or hey, maybe not. You gotta admit, "Assmonkey in '08" makes a great fucking bumper sticker.