I'm Running For President

“I didn’t major in math. I majored in miracles, and I still believe in them, too."
-Mike Huckabee, talking about his ongoing campaign for president.

I've just finished reading the latest on the Election and have made up my mind: I'm running for President in 2012.

I've been arrested twice, I've been sued, I say bad words in public and I'm a sucker for hot lesbians. I call black people "black", some white southerners "racist", and Christian conservatives "dumbshits", just like I call white people "white" and al qaeda people "fucking losers". Lastly I also call a spade a "spade" if you get my drift.

I know I know, telling the truth is a shitty way to get elected. But at least I don't have recessed yellow teeth and a haircut like Jim Carey in Dumb and Dumber. And most importantly, I'm not a god damn motherfucking moron like Mike Huckabee.

How this Jesus freak continues to get votes is beyond me. Normally I would say it's because we have hundreds of thousands of mongoloids running around voting, but I don't think they're allowed to vote. So there has to be some other reason. Maybe it's because a lot of people from the south will vote for a fucking mongo if one runs. The dude has a forehead like a drive-in movie theater.

So if this idiot can get votes then I definitely have a chance. Here's how the first debate would go (moderated by Larry King):

Larry King: Can you talk about your position on how illegal immigrants are taking jobs away from African-Americans in the inner cities? (this was an actual question posed during the Democratic debate last week)
Me: That's a stupid question, Larry. Let's talk about something real, not some made-up shit about how racism is all over the place when it's not. Stop making shit up. You look like a god damn owl.

It gets worse from there.

For all eight people that read this blog, can I count on your vote? I promise that I'll at least beat Bo Gritz.