A Diamond is Forever

Hopefully all of you got to see Angelina Jolie having sex with Halle Berry last night. If so, then your dreams were as pretty as mine, all rainbows and teddy bears and dancing unicorns. My lady was blown away by my Valentine's gift, which involved coughing up a gallon or two of phlegm into her sink. One of the things she loves about me is that I'm so romantic.

I know better than to give shit presents for Valentine's Day. I'm with it like Mark Morford, who says don't get a 14-karat gold heart pendant with diamonds from Zales at the mall:

I must've been about 15 or so, had an older girlfriend on whom I took a giant dangerous risk and spent a whopping $79 on one of these beauties, which was a ton of dough but who cares because dude I loved her and it had diamonds, I mean diamonds, so my love must've been serious, even though I was 15 and knew as much about romance and beautiful jewelry as a rock knows about spun sugar. "American Idol" contestants, small-town junior-high girls with names like Jen-Jen and Courtney who work the drive-through at KFC and the Bush twins simply love jewelry like this, right along with unicorns and pink wine and Colbie Caillat. Also worn by assorted meth addicts and soccer moms who married far too young and who still reminisce about being a second-string cheerleader in 1987. Also, monkeys.

Morford, who clearly kicks ass, says there are 19 other things you shouldn't get for your special lady (or man if you're into that), including a Facebook Ninja, which might be the greatest thing ever invented. Remember, Ninjas with Guitars are the coolest thing in the world.