The NFL in France

I sent this to my brother on Sunday after having found a football game on TV for the first time ever. I was ecstatic. Read what I wrote about the Giants-Packers game. I'm like a prophet and a soothsayer and a warlock all rolled into one. If you were hunting for witches I could tell you where to find them.

I just found the Chargers-Pats game on TV. I can't believe it. I didn't find it until there were 8 minutes left and all they did was run out the clock, but it was the first football I've been able to see all season and it was beautiful. Now I'm waiting for the start of the NFC Championship. It's almost 1 o'clock in the morning. Already it's been an interesting experience. Why, you ask?

Nearly every country in Europe - including both England and France - requires their citizens to pay an annual tax for the right to watch TV. Because of this, there aren't many commercials during television programs. Taxes drive the revenue for the stations, not ads. And the French are used to soccer, which has a break at halftime and that's the only time you have any commercials. Consequently, as you can imagine Tivo hasn't really taken off here. I know it's tragic and they live in the stone age with that, I couldn't agree more. But that's just the way it is.

Then there is TV in the US. It's free, but in a game like the AFC Championship there are several thousand commercials. So instead of paying your $130 for a TV license, as they call it here, you instead pay $100 a year for Tivo. I prefer the American way but that's just me. But because there are a million commercials in the US and almost none in France, I'm watching a very different broadcast than you are.

First of all, the French broadcast doesn't have access to the same audio as FOX in the US, so I can barely hear the crowd. I need the crowd. Second, the announcers don't pronounce people's names the way they're supposed to be pronounced. It's "Brhett Farvrah", "Amaunee Toomerre", and "Eliye ManNING". Much of the toughness goes out when they say names the French way. Oh wait, there's 4 minutes left in the 1st quarter and the announcers are talking about how in Green Bay the people only care about two things: le foot americain et fromage. Football and cheese. Second, during every commercial break the broadcast switches to a roundtable of 7 or 8 guys, several of whom are the biggest French men I've ever seen. Their clothese kick ass. One dude has on a windbreaker that says "SUPERBOWL" in big letters across the front. Another one is wearing a rugby shirt. And a third dude - let's call him Johnny Knoxville - is just wearing a T-shirt that says "Flash" on the front. Most of the dudes have french ticklers or neck beards. I guess it's 1am, it's not like anyone is watching this broadcast. They actually seem to generally know what they're talking about, so I have to give them credit. Except the main dude, who asks all the panelists the questions. He seems to know about as much as James Brown. I think he might be mentally retarded. But I can honestly say I'd rather watch these dudes than that CBS team with James Brown, Jimmy Johnson, Howie Long and Terry Bradshaw. I'd rather watch 'Scarecrow and Mrs. King' than those dudes.

Now we're well into the first quarter and the Packers are not playing well at all. You get the feeling that the Giants are about to just break out a can of whoopass in this game. I hope not. I see no value in a Patriots-Giants Super Bowl. But Eli Manning actually looks pretty good. Maybe the guy is decent. I don't know. He looks like he's going to cry all the time and it really bothers me. It's hard to take a guy seriously when you think he's going to cry.

The announcers' roundtable has a helmet on it that I think is supposed to be a Chargers helmet. I'm trying to take a picture of it but they're not showing it very much anymore. It's like a Chargers helmet except it's black not blue (or white) and the bolt is the completely wrong shape. What is it with these people? You'd think they could just order a helmet from Amazon and at least get it right. If I showed my wife a Chargers helmet and then an hour later I said, "Hey draw me a picture of that Chargers helmet", this one they're using would be the result.

It's 3-0 Giants and they're about to score again. I'm getting really tired. I'm not sure I can make it.

Oh wait. I went to the bathroom and just came back and Donald Driver is doing the Lambeau Leap. That's great. I miss one play and it's like the best one of the entire playoffs. I guess I'll stay up a little longer. By the way, Pam Oliver is so incredibly ugly. Why is that woman still working? I really don't get this. She has the looks of Eric Dickerson and the knowledge of that stupid broad on ESPN. What's her name? Oh yeah, Rachel Nichols.

The Packers are now moving the ball a little but Favre is taking too many risks. That guy just can't stop making bad passes. I know he's the greatest athlete in the history of all sports, ever, in any country. Or at least the American media acts like he is. But can't the guy just avoid making really stupid decisions? I mean he just throws all these interceptions and he doesn't have to do that. Seems like he's having a good time, though. He probably doesn't realize that Pam Oliver is trolling the sidelines. If he did, he would go hide. She's so ugly.

OK It's halftime now and is almost 4am. I can't do this anymore. It could be me playing in the Super Bowl and I'd still leave to get some sleep. I'll check the score when I wake up. If I had to guess now I'd pick the Giants. Favre just takes way too many risks.