A New Man Law

Another gem from good old Dave. All of us should acknowledge the brilliance of his thoughts here, and consider changing our lives because of it. Dave you stand for all that is good in the world. You stand for truth, justice and the American way.

So I just got back from taking a nice wiz and as I pulled the enormous shaft of my manhood out of its sheath…wait a minute let me back up, first I washed my hands, I mean I am not a Cretan. Yes I wash my hands BEFORE I take a leak, what the hell do you do loser? I made the switch years ago. Why? Lets take a look at why: Like a lot of people I know I was taught things when I was younger that later on in life just did not make any sense. My whole life growing up my brainwashed parents told me to wash my hands after I relieve myself. In blind faith I listened and I did what they had taught me (except when I am all alone and no one can see…why wash then, it is a waste of time). I was told all kinds of wonderful things about washing my hands after using the bathroom. I would not ever get sick, I would be clean, and my life would be wonderful.

There were a lot of other people backing up what my parents had told me. They fed me these lies in school as well. Not only that, they tried all kinds of demented scare tactics like posting pictures of sick and dying kids in the bathroom and telling me that would happen to me if I did not wash. Every so often I would even see signs at McDonalds reminding everyone that they were true believers and insisted that anyone who worked there washed their hands after using the potty. Those signs always made me feel so safe, I mean what food preparation specialist in his right mind would EVER ignore a sticker on the mirror reminding him to do something so important, I mean lives were on the line here.

I am sad to admit that like many young people as I entered my teen years I started to question the things that my parents had taught me. I would think to myself, “Why do I really have to wash my hands after I use the bathroom? Because my parents said I do? Why do I have to do what they say?” Sadly some never really ask themselves these important questions and they end up washing their hands thousands of times, blindly following what their parents taught them without even considering any other options. It isn’t until they are much older and they somehow realize that they were tricked into something that makes no sense, that they have washed their hands for years, AFTER they used the bathroom. Some had never even considered anything else let alone tried anything else. On occasion they would skip it or just forget and they would feel some tinge of guilt but they never really questioned what they had been taught and would soon resume the practice.

Many finally realized that they not only have options but that there might be a way to do things in the bathroom that work better for them. That the path their parents forced them to take might not be what is best for them. Some are indifferent, some just stop doing these things all together, most just keep doing what they have always done without really thinking about it. Some even get angry and blame all of their problems on the false teachings of their parents. If only I had realized sooner that there is another way. I wasted huge chunks of my life washing my hands after I used the bathroom. I could have done something else! My prime years wasted! If I could only go back and do it all over again things would be different. I am not sure how but they would be different. I am mad as hell. Washing my hands after I use the bathroom kept me from enjoying my youth, it kept me from the things I really wanted to do like backpack through Europe. Damn my parents and the establishment for all of their false teachings.

Then there are the special ones like myself who think about things a little more, who are a little more intelligent than the rest. They see the wisdom in what their parents have taught them and do not reject it all together but instead apply it in their own unique way. When I first had rebellious thoughts as a youth I will admit that I embraced them. I totally ignored what my parents had taught me pretty much from the time I was 13 until I was almost 19. Now during these years I would give their teachings lip service, if I thought it would help me get in a girl's pants I would go on and on about how I washed my hands after I used the toilet (it was a lie, I never really did). If I was around someone I knew or more importantly someone who knew my parents I would make sure they knew I was still ‘true’ to the principle. Honestly though I did not care, it was the furthest thing from my mind at the time.

As I got older things slowly started to change. I realized that in the society I lived in that it was much more acceptable to follow this teaching as opposed to ignoring it. I also started to see that all of the truly hot women around me only liked guys who followed the principle. I was NOW committed to following the principle. At this point I was beginning to actively follow the principle again but that did not mean I stopped thinking about the principle itself and the validity of all that I was told.

What I have come up with is this. If you are just going to pee (the rules for shitting shall remain Orthodox or as they were taught to me by my parents) you should wash your hands BEFORE you pee and not AFTER, this is why. Think about how dirty your hands are, I did a science experiment when I was in grade school (back when I did not know scientists were all godless crazies) where I bought all of these Petri dishes and I wiped down a bunch of stuff with Q-tips and then wiped the Q-tips on the Petri dish to see what had the most bacteria on it. I wiped the floor, the dishes, the door knobs, my ass, and then I wiped under my fingernails for the last one. Guess which one had the nastiest shit on it a week later? SO, your hands are filthy, they touch everything. You cock on the other hand is not filthy. You shower in the morning and wash it (some times Way too much) and then you put on your BVD’s, or your Banana hammock if you live in France, or your fire protection if you believe crazy religions, but no matter what it is or is not it is protecting your junk and keeping it clean and away from doorknobs and fingernails all day long. Then you go to pee and what do you do? You put your dirty, filthy, bacteria ridden hands all over your shiny clean penis. So here it is boys (these rules do not apply to girls because everything they have is ALWAYS filthy except for the 5 to 10 minutes right after they get out of a nice hot shower) NEW MAN RULE…wash your hands BEFORE you pee not AFTER, unless of course you are an idiot who pees all over themselves or your little bird (Cantonese – you think they would be smart and not perpetuate stereotypes and use slang like giant snake, nope its little bird for Chinese guys) is too small for proper separation and then you should wash both before and after.

Flash forward to today, you know I am just pulling out my substantial manhood (now don’t you argue with me here Dude, I have seen yours and you have seen mine, advantage me). As I hold my flaccid yet still large member I cannot help but notice how particularly soft the skin of my lower shaft feels at this particular moment and I think to myself, it must have something to do with all of the lotion that has been recently applied and then of course I thought of you Dude and here is why. Do you remember back in college when I was telling you about the kind of lotion that works best for me and you looked at me like I was an idiot and said, and I quote, “Lotion?, You still use lotion? I have not used lotion since I was in grade school! You should stop using lotion, it is WAY better if you don’t use lotion.” You know what? From that day on I used less lotion and now I am to the point where lotion is only required for encore performances. You were right: it is better to not use lotion. I will never say you did not teach me something. Thank you Dude.