Elijah Beau is in the 100th percentile for Weight

If I have to hear one more parent talk about their "amazing" five month-old being in the 98th percentile for height and weight I think I'm going to lose it. Like anyone gives a flying fuck about your kid's weight and height progress, and like it even means anything you dumbshit. Anyway, there's no way you can compete with my kids, so fuck off.

At six months old all of our children were in the 147th percentile for height and weight. And they give 110% (111%?) in everything they do. Or maybe it's 200% or 201%. I can't remember, but I know that in percentile and effort given they're batting 1.000. It used to be you'd give 100% but that just doesn't cut it anymore. Whatever the max is, my kids give it in everything. They just wouldn't be satisfied with anything less. They're too driven, too ambitious.

With each child our doctor told us he/she had never seen such a well-raised, well-adjusted child and that we're amazing parents to raise them so well and give them such great genes. They said we deserve the Medal of Honor but we don't place a lot of value in that stuff. Just the smiles on the childrens' faces every day is all the reward we need.

There's never a dull moment in our house because all of our kids are way above average intellectually, even though we live in a community where every child is above average. We only live in the best communities that are above average, like Lake Wobegon. All our kids recently tested in the 110th/111th/200th/201st percentile for intellect, with an IQ of at least 110/111/200/201. I can't really remember. We're not into all that stuff because it's superficial. But they all started geometry at age 5 and grasped all concepts immediately. We started our oldest son in Latin at six months old because he was just begging to learn. They just have this great love of learning. No TV or video games for our kids. That stuff is for "other people".

All our kids were reciting epic poetry like Homer's Odyssey, Beowulf, and "Sir Gawain and the Green Knight" before they were potty trained, which was at like 12 months. We weren't that impressed, though because that's a trap that lesser parents fall into a lot. If you act all impressed then they just stop achieving and that might have hindered development of the concerto my youngest daughter is working on. She's six. We just pat them on the back and say "Good job tiger. On to the next achievement."

Our girls are very feminine (but extremely driven even as they love to bake bread in calico dresses) and would easily be high fashion models if they didn't agree with us that such pursuits are shallow. Instead they'll probably be university professors. Or maybe surgeons. Or lawyers for the poor. Or they'll pilot combat aircraft. Or aircraft carriers. At like 17 years old. The world needs strong leadership and they will provide. We're here for you, world.

Our boys are very strong and athletic and masculine. They have the most and best of everything. People say they'll be professional athletes someday, making tens of millions of dollars a year. But that's not important to us. What matters is that when the cheering stops and the stadiums are silent they'll being doing philanthropy for their foundations. We expect each of our boys will be at least 6'6" 235 (before they start their weight training, which my older son, at five years old, is already begging me to do even though he's already the strongest/fastest/smartest/best looking/nicest/most humble/most charming boy in his class. I think he should wait since he's still a growing boy) and able to throw a football like 111 yards. Or maybe it's 200 yards. I can't remember. Anyway, for them to be seven feet tall (but properly proportioned) is not out of the question.

It's amazing that we caught lightning in a bottle with each of our kids. We just shake our heads in amazement every day that it happened. You know, we do the best we can in raising them but you can't substitute for their natural brilliance. They just learn on their own. We're happy about their achievements but we don't place a lot of stock in that. The most important thing is to help people in the South Africa and the Iraq and those Asian countries. And to get people maps in America. We make sure we always do our part. Go Cougars!