To the horror and total emotional devastation of millions, a shitty newspaper is reporting that the latest Super Bowl ad by GoDaddy.com, called "The Beaver Ad", has been rejected for broadcast by Fox Sports. This means it cannot be shown during the big game which the AFC will win 168-3.
The Arizona Republic says:
The ad featured auto racer and GoDaddy spokeswoman Danica Patrick and an animated version of the dam-building mammal, (GoDaddy CEO Bob) Parsons said this week in his blog. He declined to reveal the story line Wednesday, but said Fox rejected the ad because an actor used the word "beaver" three times in the ad. The term is also slang for part of a woman's anatomy.
Parsons said Fox would have approved the ad if it used a term such as "furry friend" or "little engineer that specializes in building small dams."
But Parsons refused to change it.
"I did a lot of things for this country," Parsons said. "I was in the military, I pay a lot of taxes, and I think I've earned the right to call a beaver a beaver."
No word yet on what part of the anatomy 'beaver' could mean, but Bob Parsons stands for truth, justice and the American way. He's like Joey Scarbury, singing songs about American Heroes and making us all feel warm inside. Bob stands for what's right. Never mind that his company gives the shittiest hosting ever. And Danica Patrick is pretty hot, especially when she's advertising for Mr. Clean windshield wipers. What does she do for a living? I wonder what a beaver is?
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Beaver Ad Banned from Super Bowl
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8 comments:
dearest dude and dave,
i don't have a particular response to this beaver post because i really have only known one in my lifetime and am not an expert in the ways of aquatic wildlife other than the dolphin, which with I have had more of a dysfunctional, S&M relationship over the years. but i've been called out for not participating in this forum and because at this point in my life i generally do what people tell me to I figured I would comply.
First off, I must admit that I was hurt to see dave reveal certain aspects of our DR Mancation that should have remained between him, me and the 14-year-old Dominican boy we found selling coconuts in Las Felices (I won’t count the donkey we stumbled upon on the highway between Samana and Jarabacoa, as he was placed their for our use by our Maker). But knowing that dave rarely intends to hurt people the way he so frequently does when he wields his word ninja sabre, I grant him the forgiveness that is proscribed by LRH and my Scientology textbooks.
That said, please don’t expect any joycean posts from me a la dave. Despite what he may have told you I actually do work for a living and am not known for my volubility or profundity. But I may be able to contribute a few perspectives on topics that perpetually plague disaffected mormons – polygamy, papyrus, plates, etc. I will add, however, that when it comes to these topics I am less like Walter and more like the Dude. I am fully aware there are lot of ins and outs and what have yous but I don’t have a plan or a gun.
That said, let me contribute a couple of points for amusement or discussion:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeSSwKffj9o
I throw this video out there because a lot of what I see posted here re: religion can feel a lot like warmed over Carlin, and I think its best to go to master first on this topic before taking the discussion further. Pay particular attention to 5:28 on, where his thoughts on prayer reminded me of those I had seen on an earlier post.
I also think I saw a past post saying that there is nothing good about polygamy. But then I see that our beloved blog host is a big fan of “Moral Animal”. If you remember, Wright makes the point that polygamy is our most natural state – and for good reason. It makes it so women out there who want to get married but don’t want to get stuck with a dead beat loser (which at least 95% of us are) can actually find a man with a job and health care. I don’t have the time or intellect to articulate this, but I’ll leave you with a link that does:
http://www.slate.com/id/2136453/
and another from your boy Robert Wright:
http://www.slate.com/id/2013/
facts are, very few men TRULY practice lifelong monogamy – they are cheaters, pornographers or serial monogamers…
Joseph Smith’s plan wasn’t a bad one in theory, although in practice it definitely offends our American Puritan tastes. But – like Superman - I don’t care much for the American way anymore.
As for cartoon hotties, I really can’t help there. I’ve spent the vast majority of my life avoiding sex and reading sunstone and not enough time following the brethren by multiplying and replenishing the earth, which would have required me to buy the full Disney DVD collection in the process. Other than Jessica Rabbit and the Flinstones, I don’t think I recognized a single character on the list, although when I am finally introduced to them I’m sure my perception will be forever tainted by Dave’s ravings.
Quality comment thetan. The Dude could learn something from the both of us. The guy has no real job but claims he does not have the time to put a decent response to any of our brilliant comments.
Don't worry about not having a response to the beaver post. It is a stupid post that the Dude tried to save with some pictures of a woman who is a solid '7' at best. Why do women who are mediocre at best in the sport they are in get so much attention? Danica, no wins. Michelle Weeeeee, no wins and no cuts. These women deserve nothing but our scorn.
Thetan, speaking of aquatic life and your knowledge of them or more specifically your experience with them, why don't you tell the story of the remora fish that attacked you and your wife in Thailand. I love that story. Especially the part about you wearing you wife's bikini bottoms as a swimsuit.
Also why do you use my name and I have to call you Thetan Warrior? No one reads this blog can't we use first names? One more thing get your facts straight you cannot claim to be Gay and Scientologist it is not allowed. Gay and Mormon is fine but Tom Cruise will kick your ass if you are a man lover in his cult.
Thanks for bitch slapping the Dude about his stance on Polygamy and the conflicts with this stance and the book he claims to love. His boasts of being such a big fan of The Moral Animal are probably a fabrication to make him seem deep or insightful. You have to stand up to bullies or they just keep on spreading their lies and low brow terrorism.
As for your rant about avoiding sex and reading sunstone. You may have avoided copulation but you my friend did not avoid sex. You had some of the best almost sex of anyone I know. You need to share some of those stories here or I will. You claimed you were a virgin until you were 34. You are not an ugly dude, there was plenty of almost sex happening and you need top post about it here. Keep that sunstone stuff to yourself lets here about mutual masturbation.
I find it funny that you have not seen any Disney films. It makes total sense. You my friend have much catching up to do.
You know, it's taken me a few days to reply to these comments, and I apologize for that. I was really busy with some stuff and I kept thinking to myself, "I'm a god damn loser who writes a blog that no one reads, so I've got to get to this fast but if I don't it's not like the world's going to fall in." And then it didn't so I guess in the end it was a reasonable decision. But I apologize for taking so long anyway.
Thetan, I enjoyed your comment a lot. Thanks for the clip of George Carlin. That guy really is pretty good. When I was 17 years old I found a cassette tape by him called "Carlin at Carnegie" and used to listen to it on my "Walkman" so my parents wouldn't hear the bad language. And I would laugh myself to sleep. The guy has been funny for like 40 years. In that clip he looks like he's about 80, so maybe he got a late start.
As for polygamy, I just want to be clear that I don't have a problem with it. Not at all. And Wright's comments about polygamy were right on. I still remember them vividly because they made so much sense. As you probably remember, Wright's comments were all couched in the context of the fact that males primates (not just humans) are motivated to disseminate their genes across as broad a spectrum as possible, while females are incented to find the best possible genes that they can mate with. And by "best", that generally means the genes that can provide them with access to the most/best possible resources which they can use to raise their offspring. For the man that can support multiple women and offspring well, polygamy makes perfect sense. And in many ways the big winner is the woman. While formal polygamy has never caught on to any large degree in really any society, it's live and well in all western societies today, as evidenced (as just an example) by the huge numbers of women that are happy to get pregnant by professional athletes who then do nothing more than send a check every month, than they are to spend the rest of their life in wedded bliss with some dude that can't bring home the bacon. Polygamy is all around us. But that's the good form of it.
The other side is the formal face of polygamy. As you can imagine, I have a problem when teen-age girls are goaded into a marriage where the guy is actually not capable of effectively supporting one wife (much less two, or ten, or 46), where the girl isn't capable of really comprehending the decision she's about to make, or when an authority figure who is almost god-like in her eyes tells her that it must happen or she'll "be destroyed". I also have a problem when a guy does that to a woman who is already married. But no matter, that only happened eleven times with Joseph Smith.
Whether it's Joseph Smith the soothsaying cockmaster, Jim Jones raping young men in Jonestown, or Warren Jeffs giving fat 15 year-olds in "eternal marriage", they must all be held to the same standard as we hold everyone else. Not a higher one, just the one that we hold ourselves and our neighbors. Unfortunately Smith fails very badly when it comes to that standard. Perhaps the worst ever. Ever. When you consider the fact that there would be no Warren Jeffs or any of his people today if not for the fact that Smith chose to marry his 15 year old nanny (Fanny Alger) so he could pass his banging her in his barn as "relations between husband and wife", you begin to get an idea of the depth of what this guy has done to certain people.
We are all products of our society. Smith created a horrible society. Sure there is good stuff in that society today, maybe even some of the best stuff on earth. But that's only because the LDS church today bears almost no resemblance to the church that Smith created. The church that Smith created can be found in Colorado City, AZ and a lot of other small towns dominated by dilapidated trailers and towering satellite dishes that bring the infernal culture of the world into the pathetic lives of those that Smith, more than anyone else, helped to shape. That, and not today's mainstream Mormon Church, is what Joseph Smith created, and it is his legacy. And it is shit.
Two missionaries came to my house today. I told them that I regularly masturbate, drink alcohol, and use the most offensive profanity I can think of (and I teach my son to say "goddamnit"). It was a very spiritual experience. I offered them some literature (I was thinking of Sam Harris’ “Letter to a Christian Nation” or “The God Delusion” by Richard Dawkins) but they respectfully declined. We talked for two hours and at the conclusion of our conversation one was curled up in the fetal position, crying and muttering, “Oh God, hear the words of my mouth” over and over. The other had removed all his clothes and was frenziedly fornicating with my cocker spaniel (who is male and consequently very sore). It was all very tasteful.
I don’t know why they keep coming.
WOW, I waxed myself the Word Ninja and if I were to describe the ‘I named my schlong Jesus” comment style using the same thinking I would have to dub you the Word Manson as in Charlie Manson. Your comment was so full of rage and violence. Very interesting, I must know more. To have so much anger and fantastical deranged and sexually violent visions directed at young men who are volunteering to schlep religion and clean living for two years (not an easy sell) to anyone who will listen and who really do “think” they are doing the right thing and who really mean no one any harm…that my friend deserves some follow up commentary and explanation.
The only explanation I can think of for this kind of scathing anger directed at such an innocuous target is lack of sex. Ask the Dude, as far as I can tell all of his anger toward the Church has its roots in the Dudes perception that the Church somehow “Cock Blocked” his entire adolescence.
The World Health Organization just announced that a study was conducted and the “researchers” concluded that intercourse between a man and a woman is perpetrated an estimated 100 Million times in a single day in this world we live in. To quote my favorite scientist Goober “Go Science” (Goober is a real scientist with a lab and everything, just ask the Dude). You my friend must not be getting your fare share.
I would like to commission a study of how many times male masturbation is perpetrated world wide in a single day. I can save them the time, just take the number of males worldwide between the ages of 11 and 51 and that should be it. Some are once a day guys and some bring the numbers up for the rest of us. You know who you are we do not need to name names here. So I would put the number somewhere close to two billion penile flogging acts per day. (There is no point in doing a study of female masturbation, it doesn’t really exist and is a lie forced on men by the porn industry to make more money.) So 100 million dudes get to have sex each day and two billion want to…..think about this….This is why we have Wars and all the bad shit in the world today. This is why my friend Jesus penis is so pissed off.
To quote a very funny film loved by the father of this blog “Don’t F**k with the Jesus”. It appears to be the crux of the problem here, you named your schlong Jesus and not enough people are willing to F**k with it. That is the only explanation I could come up with for all of the hostility. I am not a psychiatrist but I am just guessing like they do, the only difference is I cannot give you drugs, I can suggest you get laid.
Pearls to swine, why do I even reveal such wisdom to the 3 losers who actually read this blog, now I am pissed.
On average I masturbate once a day. In other words, I'm doing my part.
Despite this fact, I have a healthy and varried sex life...much more healthy than the Dude's.
Which reminds me...Why is it that "dave" is incapable of using apostrophes and consistently capitalizing correctly?
But I digress. The reality here is that which I do in fact engage in a rigorous masturbatory program and still have time to bang my wife...to who I am eternally sealed. Ironically, I also have time to bang chicks to whom I am not, in point of fact, married.
***CORRECTION***
The last paragraph of the above post began with:
"But I digress. The reality here is that which I do in fact engage in a rigorous masturbatory program..."
It should have read:
"But I digress. The reality here is that while I do in fact engage in a rigorous masturbatory program..."
My apologies Noam Chomsky.
Eternal marriage is important, Jesus Penis. Good work on your end.
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