I've Got Issues/Julie Andrews is Really Disappointed

I was talking to a friend of mine recently, we were discussing the relative charms of the scantily-clad young women who passed us by on the street in the city in which I live, when he made the statement, “Dude, you will literally fuck anything, won’t you?”

I was initially taken aback by this statement. I mean, let’s face it: we’ve all banged that one-off chick—the fat girl, the ugly girl, the hair-lipped friend—it’s every man’s responsibility to play the wing-man from time to time. It’s man code. And that’s cool because you’re taking one for the team; you’re basically paying it forward.

But no matter how many sub par skanks you’ve bagged in the name of male solidarity, no dude ever wants to be accused of pining for porcine panocha or of voluntarily fornicating with hideous monstrosities…it’s like someone accusing you of eating your meals from a trashcan or of wetting your bed. It’s embarrassing and degrading.

And yet there I was, enjoying a beer and a piece of pizza on a beautiful spring day as half-naked women pranced about, displaying their feminine wiles in ways that would get them stoned to death in pretty much any country east of Italy and south of the Mediterranean, and this piece of shit “friend” was accusing me of being this most deplorable and shameful of Lotharios.

And yet despite my self-loathing, it occurred to me that he was right. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I DO have standards; they’re just not very high. And then suddenly I realized that this wasn’t shameful, it was wonderful. This wasn’t like eating from a trashcan but instead it was like eating strange food from foreign countries that would make most people vomit. Sure, you may have to choke down a scorpion or some monkey brains from time to time but at least you’re eating. And one day, if you find yourself in a situation where the fare is somewhat limited, you’re going to eat a lot better than your buddies who've been dining solely on Alaskan King Crab and Filet Mignon.

Take, for example, the bisexual dude who works two cubes over from you: he’s basically normal, bangs some decent looking chicks, plays sports, and drinks beer but he’s better off than you because in a pinch, well, he loves the cock too and that essentially doubles his options. So while you head home to a calloused palm, a bottle of lotion, and a computer with the volume turned down so your wife won't hear, he’s getting some real action that gets him off just like you would if you had some 18 year-old, fresh out of high school trim.

Now I’m not saying that we should ALL be bisexual, hell, I know I’m not gonna be. I can’t do that shit. I’m just saying that you can’t argue with the numbers; he’s gonna get laid more than you. And while his methods may sicken you, I know there’s no guy out there who hasn’t look at a fine filly’s ass and thought, “I gotta get up in THAT!”

It’s like Coop says in the move, BASEketball, as he bares Squeek’s ass: “How to speak San Franciscan: vagina!”

And that’s cool.

But then there’s this guy:

Not Really Christopher Plummer

Meet Josef Fritzl, the Austrian man who held his daughter captive for 24 years in a windowless dungeon and sired 7 children by her. This is a guy whose definition of pussy is WAY beyond anything you or I have ever imagined.

Police spokesman Franz Polzer told CNN that 73-year-old Josef Fritzl admitted holding his daughter, Elisabeth Fritzl, 42, hostage in the windowless cell and fathering seven children by her.

"The mother had memories [of the outside world] and got used to the situation," Polzer told a press conference Monday afternoon. "The others knew nothing else."

The main question reverberating from the small Austrian town: How could a man keep his daughter locked in his basement for 24 years, where she gave birth to seven of his children while her mother and three of those children lived upstairs without an
inkling of the horrors in the cellar?

Fritzl explained Elisabeth's disappearance by saying she had run away from home, a story backed up by letters he forced Elisabeth to write, including one that begged her parents not to look for her.

Fritzl, who looks frighteningly similar to Christopher Plummer:

Christopher Plummer

...is currently facing up to 15 years in prison for REPEATEDLY RAPING HIS DAUGHTER WHILE KEEPING HER IN PRISON FOR 24 YEARS.

I'm no legal scholar but 15 years seems pretty light for this kind of crime. Particularly when you take into consideration the fact that his daughter was locked up for almost twice that. And she didn’t have the possibility of parole.

Jesus.

I’m sorry, this is just so totally fucked up that I can’t find anything cynical to say about it.

Oh wait, yes I can:

"I guess it was God’s will. After all, the Lord of Hosts works in mysterious ways."

Fuck god.