The Triumphant Return of John Brown

Following his 1859 raid on Harper's Ferry in an attempt to spark a slave uprising, the noted abolitionist John Brown disappeared from history. If you're anything like me and The Dude--hell even Jesus and Donny--then you've spent countless hours wondering what happened to this handsome, well coiffured man and the thought of finding out fills your body with an almost sexual excitement and longing.

Well, I am happy to report that Brown is making history again. Resurfacing in London, Brown is in the news again and women the world over are rushing to their boudoirs to pleasure themselves to his rakish good looks and perennially long facial hair.

John Brown in West Virginia circa 1857 and again in 2008 in London, England

Calling himself "Aubrey de Grey" and gripping a copy of his 1999 Action/Romance novel "The Mitochondrial Free Radical Theory of Aging", Brown sat down with the BBC recently to answer questions ranging from his theories on life expectancy to the effects of his molestation by a Catholic priest in 1975.

His book, a NY Times best seller for 61 weeks in 1999 and 2000, has recently been updated and new claims made by the erstwhile revolutionary are creating a new stir. Specifically, Brown is claiming that "aging is a physical phenomenon happening to our bodies, so at some point in the future, as medicine becomes more and more powerful, we will inevitably be able to address aging just as effectively as we address many diseases today."

Brown's theories, which include a typical life-expectancy of "a few thousands of years", have received mixed reviews from the scientific community. S Jay Olshansky, a PhD at the University of Illinois at Chicago, disagrees with Brown. Olshansky says, "The fact is that nothing in gerontology even comes close to fulfilling the promise of dramatically extended lifespan, in spite of bold claims to the contrary that by now should sound familiar."

In their book, "Fantastic Voyage", techno-guru Ray Kurzweil and physician Terry Grossman agree with Brown. "Do we have the knowledge and the tools today to live forever? The pace of scientific and technological discovery is accelerating. According to models...our paradigm-shift rate—the rate of technical progress—is doubling every decade, and the capability of specific information technologies is doubling every year. So the answer to [the] question is actually a definitive yes—the knowledge exists, if aggressively applied, for you to slow aging and disease processes to such a degree that you can be in good health and good spirits when the more radical life-extending and life-enhancing technologies become available over the next couple of decades."

Still others had a completely different view. ZZ Top bassist Dusty Hill said, "Look, I respect John Brown--the abolition movement, the fact that he's from West Virginia, hell, we even drink the same beer--but Jesus Christ man, fucking shave every once in awhile!" Hill then put on his sunglasses, twirled his fuzzy guitar, and walked from the room.

Britney Spears could not be reached for comment.

Regardless of their position on the plausability of Brown's argument, everyone agrees that the idea of physical immortality is seductive. The ancient Hindus sought it, the Greek physician Galen from the 2nd Century AD and the Arabic philosopher/physician Avicenna from the 11th Century AD believed in it.

Alexander the Great roamed the world searching for it, Ponce de Leon discovered Florida in his quest for the fountain of youth, and countless stories of immortality have permeated the literature, including the image of Shangra-La portrayed in James Hilton's book Lost Horizon, or in the quest for the holy grail in the movie Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

What do these ancient purveyors of physical immortality all have in common? They're all dead.

But with today's ever expanding technologies and scientific understanding growing exponentially, maybe a form of immortality is within our grasp. Just think of the benefits. You'd get a 1000 years of this:

And this:

And this:

On second thought, just fucking kill me now.