When I was about 17 The Little Mermaid came out. I think that was the film that changed everything about the way kids watch movies, what dolls they play with, etc. I mean my daughters are so into that crap it's amazing. Every kid is. I've lived in four different countries on three different continents and I can assure you that Belle, Ariel, etc etc are on the minds of literally hundreds of millions of little girls every day. Their language, culture and where they're from is totally irrelevant (unless they're from conservative Muslim countries, but those people don't count because they're kept in such ignorance by the regimes under which they live that they might as well live in the 16th century).
And with movies like Monsters, Inc (which made me tear up), Finding Nemo (ditto), The Incredibles and Cars, they've gotten into the minds of boys as well. It's amazing what Disney has accomplished.
With that body of work has come an assortment of hot cartoon chicks that we'll call CILFs. And we're here today to talk about that body of work, specifically the ten hottest chicks in animated history. It doesn't just have to be Disney. Can be any animated films except that Japanimation shit. And it can't be porn. I'm not into that anime crap. The shows have to be for kids.
If you have additional nominees, post in the comments section with a photo link. The following are the nominees we have so far. By the way, I don't know why my numbered bullet points instead show up as flowers. I tried to change it and I can't. Fuck you, Blogger.
- Ariel. She's really too young for this list, but she's like Marilyn Monroe: the one who started it all.
- Belle. From Beauty and the Beast. I've put her in the yellow dress, but she might be hotter in the blue dress. I just couldn't find a good picture. Apparently she's also a "horny, naughty UK girl."
- Betty Rubble. She's very conservative. Probably a Mormon. But here's a photo she allowed to be taken in a moment of weakness.
- Jasmine from Aladdin, who is hotter naked than with clothes on. Her bedroom eyes are a big differentiator for her.
- Daphne from Scooby Doo. Not bad in real life, either. And here she is benefiting from her friendship with Velma, who everyone knows was probably a lesbian.
- Elastigirl (the mom) from The Incredibles. In a search for her I found this. Interesting. By the way, I question whether Elastigirl belongs on any hot list. Her ass is enormous.
- Esmeralda (Hunchback of Notre Dame). The photo is small but she looked so hot that I had to post this one.
- Jane (Tarzan). English accent...
- Jessica Rabbit, a search for which also revealed this, which I prefer to the cartoon. A search for Jessica yielded an incredible amount of porn.
- Judy Jetson. Be careful with this one. Wasn't she a little young? It's hard to tell with cartoons. It was difficult to find a decent shot of her that wasn't porn, and most of that was incestuous. I'm not showing any of that. By the way, here she is with Foghorn Leghorn. That dude is the best.
- Kim Possible. She's a full-on superhero so her purported age is irrelevant. Plus she can apparently look like this. That dude she hangs out with is a douchebag.
- She-ra (she's on the left) from "Masters of the Universe." I also found the Shallow Hal version.
- Supergirl. I don't know if she really counts. Is Supergirl even a real cartoon?
- The mom from The Family Circus.
- Tinkerbell. In my search I found a photo of her fisting Alice from Alice in Wonderland. That also shall go unposted.
- Wonder Woman. I've always thought of her as a 70's chick and not so hot. Plus I had to sift through a million photos of a pre-menopausal Lynda Carter. But this search has caused me to re-evaluate my negative thoughts about Wonder Woman. I mean, check out this one. I'm not sure it's really her but the caption says it is. Just the possibility that it is raises her status.
7 comments:
I was momentarily thrilled to see this post. Then I tried to open the links, all but a few are blocked. I am at work right now for the Great State of Tennessee surfing the web on state owned servers and for some reasons state owned servers do not like the same kinds of things I like. I will post some of my comments now but I will need some more time to come up with supporting documentation (photos).
First off let me tell you I like where you have gone with your list. To me the list should be about a character that is on a show that you actually could watch with your kids. That is what makes hot cartoon characters so great (BTW I also love the term CILF). You are bored watching a cartoon with your kids until you realize how hot the girl is, you are now no longer bored as you can now fantasize through the whole movie, way to fight your way through a tough situation soldier. I wonder if the people who animate and produce these cartoons are men or women…hmmm?
BTW it was a good idea to eliminate Japanese Anime because compared to all of the other stuff it totally goes beyond what we are talking about here. The vilest pornography I have ever seen was Japanese Anime…what a soulless nation that is.
I guess what I will do is post commentary on your list and then email you what I have come up with for my list. I cannot for the life of me get pictures to link and appear in the comments of your blog.
1. Ariel - I respect the choice but there are a few things about Ariel that keep her from my top spot. First off she was kind of stupid and that knocks her down a few notches in my list. Also she has ‘Daddy issues’ which can be a positive or a negative or both. The problem is you do not know what you are getting with a girl with Daddy issues.
2. Belle - Ah troubled conflicted little Belle. She has the bookworm/librarian thing locked up and when you combo that with the openness with respects to bestiality Belle is one freaky package. She scores high marks for hair color (I am always drawn to dark or brunette hair color) and chastity. You party with the three Gastaunt groupies and you marry belle, all lady in public but does not shy away from experimentation in her love life, a perfect pairing.
3. Betty Rubble - I am totally down with her conservative nature and the aforementioned dark hair color. The moment of weakness shot almost has her holding a top 5 spot in my list. However, there is too much whining, nosey neighbor vibe, and “why can’t we have what Fred and Wilma have or Mr. Slate for that matter” shit going on for her to be anything but top 10. I have the feeling you would get more moments of complaining them moments of weakness with this stone age babe. Genetics also come into play when you consider that violent OCD/Autistic son of hers but Barney shares at least partial blame for that unless you believe the tabloids calling Bam Bam a Mr. Slate love child. Skinny whining bitches can’t resist a Daddy figure with bank roll.
4. Jasmine – Plus side = Eyes, hair, comfortable in very little clothing, rebellious, very athletic (especially when running from the palace guard), likes a bad boy (Kim Kardashian of her day), does in fact look good naked, is into role play slumming below her status slave girl shit, daddy is loaded. Minus side = kind of a tease in bed, easily hypnotized (could also be a plus), narrow world view, spoiled, cock blocking pet tiger to worry about. Well it looks like the plus side has taken the day. (Also it is never a bad idea to have a token ‘woman of color’ in your top 5 it makes you seem like less of a bigot.)
5. Daphne - This is where we start to part ways. I never saw anything in Daphne but a dumb bitch that does not contribute to the team but is allowed to stay because of her looks. I would bet my last dollar she is a cold fish in bed, she is no pleaser. I can see Velma wearing the lesbian tag with pride but Daphne is ‘lipstick’ at best and that kind of lesbian is just irritating. Not even in my top 10.
6. Elastigirl - Once again I do not concur. Not only is this non-MILF a non-CILF you even questioned yourself and said her ass was fat. Out of the top 10 and off the list. We are all curious when we see those little 90 lb contortionists do their thing but it is not long before we lose interest because their breasts are so small. Friends don’t let friends be with girls that have small breasts and big asses, the worst possible set up, I don’t care if she can toss your salad while standing up and facing you.
7. Esmeralda - Oh a saucy wench this one. This is your classic bohemian free spirit/wild child ready to both dance in the town square and protest the tyranny of the local oppressive cleric all in the same day. She is always there to champion the cause of the underprivileged and with a straight face will tell a guy with a totally F**ked up face and body that he is hot because of the beauty he has inside. This is a special skill to be able to look people in the eye and lie like this. I am still not sure if this skill should be admired or feared. Your best bet is to do this bitch before she does you, sleep with her once but never call her again. She can stay in the top ten on the strength of her looks alone just remember you can take the girl out of the band of Gypsies but you can’t take the Gypsy out of the girl.
8. Jane (Tarzan)- This may seem strange since she barely made your top 10 but Jane holds down the #2 slot in my heart and was beat out of the top spot by the slimmest of margins, literally by a hair of her most likely unshaven vagina. I will explain myself. I have a HUGE thing for girls with accents, most especially prim and proper British accents. Both my #1 and #2 sport accents, albeit both are not British. Jane is almost perfect in every way, not too smart and not too dumb, somewhat independent and ready for adventure but very sensitive to the male ego. She has very strong motherly instincts and is willing to take on a project boyfriend and make him a better man without making him feel like less of a man. In a perfect world my #1 is my mistress (you will soon see why) and my #2 sweet compassionate Jane is my wife. These two are so different they cannot share the #1 slot but it was tough to make the final placement and I reserve the right to reorder my top two at a moments notice depending on my mood.
9. Jessica Rabbit - It is not surprising that this oversexed Grande dame is closely associated with the adult entertainment industry when a search is conducted. She for sure stripped at some point when younger and I know for a fact there are stacks of nude photos of Jessica all over town. If you believe Jessica’s story only her first film was ‘stag’ and she only did it to buy medicine for her sick mother. Jessica is a ‘legitimate’ actress now why can’t she get any good roles? I’ll tell you why, when you take knee pads to all your casting calls no one will respect you. You are way too old to act like you do and worst of all you are a one trick pony. All she has going for her are those gynormous cans, he ass is huge and covered with cellulite, she only looks good in tight fitting gowns because of the doubled up control top pantyhose underneath. She should give up the acting dream and move on to working the big boobs fetish circuit, some of those websites actually pay you money. Shame on you Dave putting this washed up wanna-be Porn star actress in your top ten. I am not a fan.
10. Judy Jetson - I agree that caution is the watchword when adding this young thing to the list and not just because you can set off an amber alert when seen in public with one so young. This chick grew up on a successful TV series, anyone who knows anything knows this chick has got to be messed up. Even though all of those pictures on the web are only with her ‘TV Dad’ and ‘TV Dog’ and not true incest you have to wonder what was going through Judy’s mind at the time. Way too risky for my tastes. I read that ‘George’ or Ryan Blake as he is known in court papers gave young Judy a ride on the ‘White Dragon’ when she was only 12. If you must tango with this old before she could ever be young starlet make sure you bring some smack, she will do anything for a hit of the good stuff.
11. Kim Possible - I am not going to touch this one. She is supposedly still in grade school and I am not going there.
12. She-ra - She might do it for the World of Warcraft crowd but I am not buying what she it selling. This chick hangs with an openly gay body builder with a pet lion. She would rather party with Sigfried and Roy then roll with a real man. Gay guys are ‘safe’ according to She-ra. All of those muscles but not enough self esteem to hang out with a real man.
13. Supergirl - I have never seen this cartoon but on the strength of that one picture she can stay on the list.
14. The mom from Family Circus - This Dave is your most telling selection. This my friend is the very definition of MILF and for our purposes CILF. She is hot yet totally unaware of her hotness. She is ignored by her douchbag husband but does not get angry she just re-doubles her efforts to take care of the kids and keep the house clean. She is just waiting for two ugly idiots to pull up in a van while she is loading her groceries and ask “Do you want to get in my van and f**k my buddy while I video tape it to post on my ‘Bang Bros’ website.” “Sure I do” she will answer and she will get in and be depraved for our amusement like a good MILF should all the while thinking to herself “I’ll show that idiot husband of mine what he has been missing.” (Can I just say those MILF hunter websites are so ridiculous, the whole idea is insulting yet we flock to it like sheep.)
15. Tinkerbell - I can totally see Tink doing the fisting thing. She was always such an angry jealous little sprite. I’ll bet that she peeked in the window of the tree fort one day and saw Alice and Pete whispering back and forth and flirting a little and that threw her into a rage. Two weeks later she cuts a deal with the Cheshire Cat (totally into S&M/bondage) to slip some date rape drug into Alice’s tea cup. Then that bitter little bitch Tinkerbell sneaks in and starts fisting away. All the while fairy dust is furiously flying all over the room partially obstructing the photos that freaky Cat is taking to later post on the web. If you listen really closely you can hear little Tink yell in her little fairy voice, “I’ll show you to tease my man with the prospect of taking your virginity, who’s got your virginity now bitch? Well…I do… I’ve got it right here in my FIST.” Man you do not want to mess with a pissed off fairly.
16. Wonder Woman - Since I cannot see the picture you are speaking of I cannot comment on this selection other then to say that I had a Lynda Carter thing going just like every other kid born between 1967 and 1972, then I grew up. I will say my negative opinion was influenced by something I saw a littler later in life once I got the internet. It was a grainy semi-interesting bootleg of Wonder Woman taking a dump in the invisible jet. Once you see something like that all sexual feeling for a woman goes out the invisible bathroom door. (That is unless you are a total deviant, if so you need help.) How stupid was it for a female supper hero to have an invisible jet, it takes a long time to fly across country and girls go about every hour or less. It was just a matter of time before some fetish geek taped it.
One of the greatest tragedies of our lifetime is that there is no large audience to read the comment you just left, which is without question the greatest prose on CILFs ever written. Ever. I mean it was just incredible, an absolute masterpiece. A tour de force. It's almost impossible to imagine a better comment. Almost.
Except for this: That was not my Top 10. If you look back at the post you'll see I alphabetized them all. Those 16 were just the nominees. Plus I purposely left off a couple of chicks that you could easily put on there, to leave room for other people's nominations. I need someone to take the bait and nominate. Take the bait, nominate.
I can think of at least five more CILFs off the top of my head that should be nominated. They're not necessarily in the top 10, but they deserve to be considered. You never know. Perhaps, like Vanessa Williams and Miss France 2008, the winner will commit some transgression and be demoted, and the 11th place finisher must take her place. 10th place is very important. She just might need to represent us. We need her. So start nominating. Let's make this a real show.
Since they were alphabetized I haven't yet stated who in fact is in my Top 10. And I won't do that here, until at least a few more nominations (with photos) come in. But let me say this: Ariel does not belong on any Top 10 CILF list, in my opinion. She's too young, too sniveling and impulsive and, frankly, too childlike. And by the time Little Mermaid 2 Return to the Sea came out she was a full-grown mother but she looked the same to me and seemed no smarter than she was before and she was dumb then. I'm not swayed by her. No doubt after 8 or 9 years of marriage with the result being their brunette daughter Melody, Prince Eric is bored off his ass and is getting very pissed that after all his time and dedication Ariel is still not comfortable with anal. She is out.
I totally disagree about Kim Possible. She is very hot and will land somewhere in my top 10. She's a superhero Dave, all on her own. She's not at all in "grade school" as you say, but is a high school senior who probably failed a grade or two. I wouldn't be surprised if she's 20. She can take the white dragon with the best of them, I guarantee it. Did you see her in that prom dress? You've got to be kidding me if you don't think she belongs. She's a keeper Dave. A total keeper.
Betty Rubble. Your description of her was unbelievable. Just incredible. The thing about Mr. Slate just blew me out of the water. I never knew that. You kick ass. Despite being imperfect and certainly without the buxom features of so many, she's on my list. A bit old school cartoonish, with the squarish features so common in 70's era cartoons about the Stone Age. Not as smooth or chiseled as Jessica Rabbit (more on her in a moment) but she definitely has more going around in that naughty little head of hers. And on it, like that blue hair bow: very seductive. She's a dirty birdy, this one. She's on the list.
Jessica Rabbit is trash. I mean low-down, dirty, bottomed out anal on the first date trash. She's just a skank, pure and simple. I don't go for her and neither does any guy over 20, but she's got to be on the list. Not high in the top 10 but she has to show up somewhere. I can think of 100 women hotter than Marilyn Monroe but she always has to be on that list anyway. She's the underqualified white guy that gets into Princeton because they've already accepted too many Asians. She's the Gerry Cooney of cartoon skanks. I'd prefer to bang any of a hundred different babes missionary style before I'd give this skank a dirty sanchez, but she still has to go on the list.
Daphne is a ruse; just there as filler to add to the nominees. Sort of like Miss North Dakota in all the beauty pageants. She has no chance to win but is there to fill a spot and make you appreciate the next contestant even more. Everyone wants to walk after Miss North Dakota. Miss Ohio is god damn lucky and she knows it. So is Miss Arizona, since she follows those hideous Inuits from Alaska.
Belle. Unbelievable. I'm in love. She'll spurn that douchebag Gaston despite his massive muscles and being daddy's favorite (Belle's dad was a incompetent moron, who by the way I seriously doubt was her real dad. You don't have a dad that short and squat and turn out like Belle. It just doesn't happen. His genes are nowhere to be found in that little trixie) and instead sees the real value in a beast. She'll take on the project as you say, knowing full well there may be more of a reward at the end than she can envision now. And even if she doesn't get the long-term hoped for reward, she got to ride the enormous beast for a while and she appreciates that. She must certainly be at the top of nearly all lists. No question she's at the top of mine.
Jane. I'm in love with Belle but I shall grow old with Jane. You and I will fight over this piece of ass for a lifetime.
I have other comments but shall hold off until we receive more nominations. I'm telling you, if you do your homework and pass this onto a few buddies you'll get some nominations that make you realize that not all the Top 10 CILFs have been put out there as of yet.
Send this to five guys and have them pass it to five more. If you do that you'll have good luck for a year, and Microsoft will pay you 15 trillion dollars. I know it's real, I talked to Bill Gates just last week. Good luck.
You are correct Sir, I have made a gaff. I remember reading in your post about how you wanted numbers to show and not flowers and somehow got it stuck in my head they were in numerical order. I apologize, however that small oversight does little to dampen the joy I find in this pursuit. I promise to pass on the challenge so that the list may grow large and heaving with buxom yet impossibly chiseled cartoon vixen. We shall assemble this list and make our choice, an election will surely be the result...an election I say. May I suggest we adopt a two party system, one party we will call the Disney party and one party we will call the Disnot party. There is a third party that contains everyone we want to exclude like the Japanese Anime and all the truly best ideas… I mean best cartoons but this party and those candidates will not enter the debate and can be talked about but will not be allowed to actually participate. These are the rules, if you do not like them, suck it, there is nothing you can do about it, let the Cockussing begin.
Please do get busy and pass on the challenge so the cockussing can begin, as you say. We need nominations and I'm getting very impatient. It saddens me that the shit state of Tennessee blocks your access to many of the photos of these gorgeous hussies, but I guess this weekend you can look. Hopefully at your hotel?
I will know you passed it on when I see your friends' comments. By the way, I passed it on to two friends (they don't like me but they're the closest thing to friends that I have) and they've yet to comment. This post should attract a wide audience. It has failed to do so as of yet. I'm very impatient.
So I made it back to my hotel around 10:00 PM last night after wrapping up an epic comment on the ‘If it is my Favorite Then it is the Best One’ post. I need you to respond with equal if not greater passion and eloquence. You never did respond after my last comment on the ‘That Totally Works’ post, I guess we have moved on from that one.
I was chatting my friend Mike Coleman about religion and stuff for a good hour or two yesterday, he has a do nothing job at UBS in New York city so we talk all of the time. His do nothing job makes my do nothing job look like I work in a forced labor camp. Mike is really into movies and writes screenplays all day. He has a movie he is co-producing that is actually getting made. The director from the movie Truman Capote, a guy named Bennett Miller is directing it, it is called Fox Catcher. It must be real because it is mentioned on imdb.com and you know that everything on the internet is true.
I met Mike in SF back in the day at AC, he was in the start group just ahead of me. He was at BYU when we were there but I did not know him. He has always said he knew Stasha. I have given him the challenge to come up with his cartoon character list, it remains to be seen if he will rise to the challenge. (He has had trouble in the past with this, dude hits the viagra hard)(We'll see if mike reads this post) Mike is not as funny or smart as we are and he is a bit on the serious side but maybe he will surprise me. Most likely he will not surprise me and contribute something, he will work on a screenplay all day about growing up in Manhattan Kansas as the son of a Head Shrink father who was also Stake President. He has a lot of demons like you Dave and plenty to talk about. Mike and I shared an apartment in Mid-town Manhattan for almost a year back in 2005 while he was finishing up a Columbia MBA. You would really like Mike Dave, he can pontificate with the best of them and he has a Rocket wife.
I put in a good two hours on gathering my list last night. I did not get much done as I was distracted by all of the cartoon porn I kept running into and I had to stop for ‘breaks’ every 20 minutes or so. I had to take three ‘breaks’ last night working on this, I shit you not. It will be tough to get my post out while at work today as I am sure that any co worker who sees a naked cartoon character on my screen might just wonder what I am doing, but I will fight through the adversity to please you mighty Blog king.
When I'm done laughing at the comments, I'm going to look at the pictures and then probably go have a smoke.
draw your own conclusions.
BTW, Betty is definitely Mormon. But that's ok. They're so repressed sexually that once you crack the wall holding it all in, you're in for the ride of your life.
The Dude says thanks to Anonymous for his post, and for the rip on Mormons which was greatly appreciated. As The Dude and many others who read this blog know many things about Mormons, we concur. "The ride of your life." That sounds pretty great.
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