Making A Homecoming Queen

I'm telling you in advance that this is going to be a long post. So if you're reading this (you're wasting your time) and only have like two minutes, then go read something else. Because this is detailed stuff.

At the beginning of my junior year in high school my parents decided my father would switch jobs because he hated his boss, and they all picked up and moved to another state. But I stayed in the old state for a few months. During my sophomore year in high school in that state, I'd been elected Student Body President for the next year, which at the time I thought was pretty hot stuff, and come hell or high water I was going to wield my gavel for at least a few precious weeks. My parents ultimately agreed to let me stay with some people until Thanksgiving, at which time I was to join the family in the new state. I was not happy about this.

It's worth noting that getting elected to this role didn't help me have sex, which as we all know is pretty much the only reason guys do anything. In truth it probably got me a lot closer to sex than I would have been without it, but in 1987 for a believing Mormon this was just never going to happen. It wasn't even worth the effort because I well knew that Jesus gets very upset if you play touch pee pee with girls, so I was petrified of anything even close to sex. Jesus and my parents had created a force field that was very powerful. Anytime I thought about touching a girl I would think about sinning against God and causing Jesus to bleed more in Gethsemane, and it would stop everything. Jesus also frowned on making out but was not enraged by it, so I was ok there. I made out as often as I could, which was once a month or so. But for the most part that was it.

Thanksgiving came quickly and I said goodbye to all my home-state admirers. When I left I decided a couple of things:

1. This sucks
2. I'm not going to be the "nice guy" anymore

This last thing was designed to ensure that I would get more action in thee new state than I'd had in my home-state, but it had another practical application, which you shall soon see.

In November 1987 I started at a certain high school in a certain state somewhere in the USA. It was always cold there, people wore a lot of corduroy, and the girls looked like men. Not being interested in men I felt bored and looked for a new challenge. That March I decided to run for Student Body President.

This was not a popular decision among my classmates, because I was running against someone we'll call Holly Mallett. Holly was the hottest, most popular girl in our class. Being the hottest girl in our class, she basically looked like this. But no one was running against her for this very important position and I felt it my duty to give the American people a choice. My hat successfully in the ring I began to endure the snubs of my fellow juniors, who all seemed to be in Holly's corner. It was a nasty campaign filled with hate-mongering and mud-slinging and terrorist threats. OK it was none of that, but we did put up a lot of papers that said "Vote for Dave", "Holly for President", etc. The brightly-colored signs were surely the most effective.

The day came for the elections and we gathered in the assembly hall for speeches. I was in fine form, much like Summer Wheatley in the tour de force Napoleon Dynamite, and we voted that very day. When all had been tallied, the candidates for all the roles reported to the Principal's office. The outgoing President told us it had been an excellent campaign and she appreciated that we'd all worked hard. She then informed us that Paula had been elected Treasurer, Mary had been elected Secretary, Anne had been elected Vice-President and then, with her voice quivering with rage and disappointment, told us that I had been elected President. I must have gotten all the votes from the freshmen and sophomores, because I sure wasn't getting any from my own class. No action and no votes.

Holly ran out of the room crying. A few minutes later they announced the winners over the loudspeaker and it was official. I was feeling very happy until I ran into Stephen Adler by the locker bays. Stephen's girlfriend was tight with Holly Mallett and Stephen let me know that:

1. I was a piece of shit
   
2. The election results were a joke
   
3. He was now embarking on a quest to make my life as shitty as possible

Stephen was about my height and size but he wore a huge sneer much of the time. Outwardly I was uncowed by his threats and we got into several fistfights the following year. I pretty much kicked his ass. Of course he'd say he won our fights, but he would be lying. In 2002 I received an email out of the blue from Stephen, apologizing for the differences we'd had during high school (in which I'd certainly played a part) and wishing me well in life. I like Stephen now.

But I didn't like him then, and from that point forward I was generally ostracized by many of my fellow juniors. Not unlike Jesus and my parents, Stephen successfully created a powerful force field. But instead of preventing me from touching girls, Stephen's force field made me an outcast among my classmates for the rest of the year. Holly was of course the worst of it, as she would never speak to or even look at me, and in my mind did all possible to increase the power of the almighty force field. I took this as a sign of her hatred and therefore decided that she was to be disliked in return. The seed of hatred had been planted in my young breast.

The school year ended and I passed an exciting summer listening to Tesla and Great White, then resting on every 7th day as required by the Lord. School started in the fall. For the student body officers, 7th period every day was devoted to Council business, conducted in the basement of the high school down by the Home Economics rooms. Mrs. Cowley was a very nice advisor. The five of us got along well. Soon it was time for Homecoming.

The Homecoming Queen was a very powerful elected position. Our "King" was crowned at Valentine's Day, so at Homecoming there was a singular focus on this highly anticipated event. The voting was to occur on a Friday and the winner was to be announced that night at the football game, which we would lose by at least 50 points. The task of tallying those votes fell to the student body officers, as we regularly managed roles of such import.

It was only a few weeks before this event that I met Ilse Pineda (pronounced "IL-su pi-NAY-du"). If I recall correctly, Ilse was originally from Colombia and had moved to the US not too many years before. She was slightly taller than average, pretty but not stunning, with long, heavy brown hair and brown eyes. I think she was the nicest girl in the world. She had a perpetual smile, was genuinely nice to everyone, and did not seem to get caught up in the Heathers politics. Though I'd never noticed her before we met, afterwards I would run into her all the time and she always made the day a little more positive. I wasn't attracted to her but she was Ilse and she was great. She was also nominated for Homecoming Queen.

On the fateful day, students voted at lunch by checking one name on a half sheet of paper and stuffing the paper into a hole at the top of a cardboard box covered with white butcher paper.

At the beginning of 7th period the four officers gathered with Mrs. Cowley to count the votes. As this was a process in which integrity was of utmost importance, our advisor informed us that Paula, Mary and Anne, all of whom had been nominated for Homecoming Queen, were disqualified from counting. The three of them left to go purchase more corduroy. Mrs. Cowley and I were alone.

She sat across from me and read the names aloud. I added a mark next to the appropriate name when that beautiful high school angel received a vote. It quickly became apparent that more people knew Ilse than I thought and that most - if not all of them - liked her.

But a lot of people liked Holly and as the pile of counted papers grew higher it became mathematically impossible for anyone to win but her or Ilse. About ten minutes before the period ended, Mrs. Cowley left to go attend to some other business. Holly had been ahead by a few votes since the beginning and was still up a few.

I got down to the last few papers and it was obvious she was going to win by six or seven votes out of at least 500. When I'd tallied the last vote I picked up the enormous pile of paper and stuffed it into a nearby trash can, mixing it with the detritus from the day's cooking in HomeEc. Then I walked back to the table, sat down, quickly ticked off ten or fifteen marks next to Ilse's name and brought the results to Mrs. Cowley.

In the yearbook from a certain high school in a certain state in a certain year when people wore lots of corduroy, there is a picture of Ilse with her date on Homecoming Night. She looks very happy in her crown, holding a bunch of flowers and smiling the way she always did to everyone. I thought she very much looked the part. Ilse, wherever you are now, Congratulations!