So I was going to post this as a comment to The Dude's post below but as I wrote it the thing got longer and longer and I realized that no one was going to read it anyway unless I posted it on the main page. This is because you guys are all fickle, cocksucking, asstards and you have no sense of loyalty or honor (but The Dude and I love you anyway, just the way you are, you dirty, dirty slut).
And so without further ado:
I hated high school. I was that kid who always slept through class and drove the teachers crazy. In fact towards the end of my senior year I basically dropped all pretense and started coming to school in pajamas with a pillow under my arm (remind me to tell you about water wars, the frogs, the parking permits, and the girls' locker room after one particularly exciting football game).
I had this one teacher who got so sick of me that he used to walk in the class room and kick me out just because he was in a bad mood. I was okay with that because I had this friend with bennies that I'd get to bail on her class too and we'd jump in my 1983 Datsun Sentra and drive out to the vacant field down the road to have sex. Which brings me to the point of my post. Because as much as I hated high school, what I DIDN'T hate was high school sex (in fact, the only thing better than high school sex is whatever sex I’m having right NOW). After MY senior prom (theme: "U Can't Touch This"):
Seirously, you can't touch this.
...I banged my date for 4 straight hours at my buddy's house in his Dad's bed. It was a king and we used every inch of the extra space...in addition to the dresser and the chair and the bathroom counter top and most of the walls and much of the floor.
Interesting sidebar: whenever this chick had an orgasm she passed out and stopped breathing. When I flew out and stayed with her for her prom --she lived several hundred miles away-- we went out one night in her Chevy Blazer to a hill overlooking the city so we could bang in the back seat like goddamned minks without her parents walking in on us. Apparently I was almost as masterful then in the performance of my myriad and mind-blowing sexual techniques as I am now and she quickly reached orgasm.
Yes, ladies, it's about like that.
Then she stopped breathing.After a few seconds, when she was persistently unresponsive, I realized I had a serious problem on my hands. There I was, lying in the back seat with a naked, underage, not-breathing chick I barely knew (we met in South Padre Island during spring break), in a strange city, in a very southern state (where they don’t take kindly to fornicators and adulterers),
"We don't take kindly to your kind around here..."
...with no concept of where I was or how to get back to her house. I was pretty sure that I had killed her and that I was going to jail for the rest of my life. And I’m not talking about one of those white-collar places where you get decent food and lots of free-time and conjugal visits and shit, I’m talking about a federal, pound-me-in-the-ass prison where some former NFL defensive lineman with a name like Bubba or Tiny...
...or maybe just call him Daddy.
...and a 16 inch cock the diameter of a soup can who’s in for raping and strangling to death the kicker on his former team makes me his bitch and I never, ever have strain to take a dump ever again...it just kinda falls out.After I finished pissing myself, I assessed the situation and realized that I had to do something. Running was the first thing that came to mind but in a rare flash of insight I suddenly remembered, years before in Boy Scouts, orally molesting a dummy when I was supposed to be learning CPR. I leapt into action, plugged the girl's nose, clamped my mouth over hers and began some retarded hybrid of CPR and a French kiss. It was all very arousing. I was as hard as a diamond in an ice storm. After a couple of seconds of this she came to; we fucked again...I made sure I was the only one to get off.
Anywho, back to prom. After our 4 hour bang-fest we went downstairs to find that one of the chicks who had gone to prom with a buddy of mine was passed out topless on the couch. She was surrounded by a group of dudes (and chicks) standing over her taking pictures and laughing. Unlike the dude I DID get to see them later and they were magnificent. Don’t ask me how old the chick was because I’m not going to jail.
3 comments:
I too must share MY prom story.
Let me set the stage: I attended an all girl's prep school in Connecticut (omitted for obvious purposes). Enough said?
Most of my classmates/friends were of the old Yankee WASP stock, but they admitted the handful of Jews and Catholics so as to look inclusive. For the most part we all got on well, but there was a small clique of girls that were considered "trouble" - usually in the form of witty sarcasm and teasing of the less fortunate, mouthing off to teachers, the random smoking of cigarettes in the bathroom, and random criminal activity in the forms of shoplifiting and fake IDs. I longed to be a part of this clique and acheived a middle-management position once I proved I could hang by enduring endless hours of hazing during school which culminated into a violent verbal beating a party in the woods one weekend. I did not cry.
I was cool with the position I acheived since moving any higher could have brought the wrath of teachers, parents, and worse from the clique. My lot in life is middle management to this day and there's definitely a strategy that I will share in a more relevant post.
Anyway, this group loved the idea of prom whch meant alot of liquor, weed, hallucinogenic mushrooms and empty homes. We were all dating or screwing guys from other prep schools so we had to plan the proper after-prom party which was decided should be at a friends lake house. We were all preppie, hippie chicks, so we had to be a cool place that allowed for skinny dipping and lack of parents. Don't ask me now, but back then it was a fucking awesome idea.
Backtrack - I decided I had to show up and show out to this prom so I had my dress made. Back then, Princess Di was hot, if and you remember the 80's, puffy shit was everywhere. So, my dress was a toned down version of Princess Di's wedding dress. I thought I was a goddess in it. I actually looked like Mrs. Staypuff.
So, the night of prom, the various shenanigans and debauchery are in progress - bottles of brown liquor in purses are being shared, heavy make outs on the dance floor, girl fights, etc. Our prom theme was Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight", which my mother thought was "disgraceful" since he mentions having sex in the song. If she only knew...
So prom ends and we pour out into the cars. To this day, I can't believe a SWAT team did not descend upon the event. Someone rented a van for the trip to the lake house. On the way there, the head bitch of this clique is getting piss drunk and very LOUD. She's going off on everyone, her date, best friend, etc. It's on and it's ugly. We get to the lake house and she's just relentless, screaming, throwing stuff, etc. I had it and decided as drunk as I was, she needed an ass whooping. This story is almost over.
We move outside and we start yelling. I am telling her what I had wanted to say for a long time peppered with as many expletives I could remember in my slurry state. Before I knew it, she caught me with a roundhouse that caused me to lose my balance and fall on top of a table. I got up - and without ever punching anyone - upper cut her in the lower gut with a ferocity and emotion only seen in Scwhartzenegger movies. The force of the blow took me down again. She then stood over me and my Princess Di confection and proceeded to projectile vomit all over me and my puffy, expensive dress. At this point, the crowd is cheering us on. I think most of the guys were hoping there was going to be kissing, but the vomit ruined the moment.
She then picked me up and carried me to the lake. I was thrown over the dock and landed on the top of a plastic canoe, rolled off and into the water. My dress puffed up around me like a large life raft. The sleeves filled with water and basically, I started to sink like a big white anchor. All I could do was rip the dress off of me before I drowned. It was not pretty. Mad as hell, I climed out onto the dock in my wet pantyhose and bra and wrapped what was left of Di around me like a towel.
My boyfriend was so turned on by the whole display, that he tackled me on the lawn and ejaculated on my left leg like a dog.
Prom memories.
Ruling from the judges?
Elayne wins.
I..I...I don't know what to say...Wow. Good times.
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