HATE THE DRAKE

The Dude has reported before that Congress is a bunch of douchebags. Do these people do any work at all? Let's investigate:

• Henry "Pig" Waxman of California heads a committee to investigate steroids in baseball and they spend millions to subpoena Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte, John McNamee etc etc
  
• Arlen Speculum, of Pennsylvania calls for Congress to investigate the New England Patriots because a video assistant claims he spied on some other team (are you fucking kidding me?)

Now this shit, from the Virginia Daily Press:
Virginia Rep. Thelma Drake has a new idea to maintain congressional support for the war in Iraq: Call in Angelina Jolie.

Drake is pushing to get Jolie to testify to the House Armed Services Committee. "Sadly, Ms. Jolie's positive perspective on the current security situation in Iraq has gone largely unnoticed by the mainstream press," Drake wrote in a letter to Rep. Ike Skelton, D-Mo., the committee chairman. "As co-chair of the Human Trafficking Caucus, I too share Ms. Jolie's concerns about the humanitarian aspects of the conflict in Iraq and the well-being of the refugees in neighboring countries."

Drake added, "I believe the membership of our committee would gain crucial insight into another important aspect of the conflict from Ms. Jolie's testimony. I'd also like to lick her sweet pussy and will no doubt masturbate during all hearings." (last sentence added)

My fellow Americans, as soon as I'm elected to congress I swear to the Rev Al Sharpton, the Shroud of Turin and all else that is holy that I will call for Congressional hearings on the following:

• Get to the bottom of who fucked Jamie Lynn Spears. This is an absolute necessity.
• Subpoena Clay Aiken and Ted Haggard to testify as to whether or not they're gay, and when they say they're not I'll ask why they talk like fucking fairies. Then I'll have them prosecuted for perjury.
  
• Ask Angelina Jolie to testify as to how many lesbian affairs she's had. She'll be in front of Congress anyway, talking about Iraq. Let's kill two birds with one stone.
  
• Call for a hearing on why Drew Barrymore farted once at a state dinner. OK maybe it was a queef, but what's the difference? Then when she says she didn't I'll produce video evidence to the contrary and will have her prosecuted. That fucking bitch belongs in jail.