This movie sucked beyond belief. That poster's pretty cool, thoughYesterday I clicked onto some dude's blog after reading a comment on someone else's blog. You know how that stuff happens. His profile said he was "married to the girl of his dreams" and that the best trip he'd ever taken was to the Aspen Grove Family Center, so clearly he was a pussy. His wife wasn't even that hot, although she was way out his league. But the Pussy had a good idea on one of his posts, which was to list a bunch of his favorite stuff. I thought to myself, "My favorite stuff is so much better than his, I need to do that." Especially since my favorite music isn't by Michael Bolton and Bette Midler.
See below. Wow what a great list. Feel free to comment about your favorites. I'm into that. But since no one reads this blog, probably no one will. It's like farting into the wind.
Best book I’ve ever read: A Distant Mirror – Barbara Tuchman
The book that taught me more than any other: The Moral Animal – Robert Wright
Funniest book: Me Talk Pretty One Day – David Sedaris
Best book I read in 2007: The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini
Worst book I’ve ever read: The Travels of Ibn Battutah – (translated by) Tim Smith
Best movie ever: Schindler’s List
Most entertaining movie ever: The Shawshank Redemption
Funniest movie ever: Napoleon Dynamite or American Pie. I can’t pick.
Movie I could watch a thousand times and never get sick of it: The Big Lebowski
Worst movie ever: Sin City. This was such shit I'm still in shock a year later
Most overrated movie ever: Gone With the Wind
Best Song Ever: When the Levee Breaks - Led Zeppelin
Song that still makes me tear up because I might be gay: Thank You - Dido
Best Song Right Now: My Eyes – Travis
Favorite French Song: La Lettre – Renan Luce
Best Best Travel Experience: The Palio,
Best video clip on YouTube: Images of the Century
Favorite place on the web besides YouTube: www.wikipedia.org
Funniest place on the Web: www.wwtdd.com
11 comments:
Is there really a person who says things like "married to the girl of his dreams" and that the best trip he'd ever taken was to the Aspen Grove Family Center. I doubt if this person could possibly have been serious when he said these things and if he was and this is in fact a real person there are two things that I now know about him; 1. He most likely has very mundane and average dreams. (the girls in my dreams are not the marring kind) and 2. He has only been on one trip in his life because to call a trip to the Aspen Grove Family Center the best trip he'd ever taken is just like me telling that skinny 14 year old girl with HUGE teeth, an overbite, and braces who was the first girl to give me head "that was the best head ever". The point is at the time we said these things we were both inexperienced in what we were talking about (he 'Trips' and me 'head) and very wrong.
It is hard to judge people who say and do stupid things because we all do it. What is not had is making fun of these people and the things they say and do. Let me give you an example; I cannot figure out what is really going on with the Aspen Gove Family Center look at this comment from the website; "Everything was great. My kids like this place as much as Disneyland!" Julianna Gee Did she just say Disneyland? I think she meant to say the Disney Store in the mall not the actual Disneyland. If she was not misquoted then what the hell is wrong with this ladies kids? Go look at the slide show of what people do at this place and notice things like the wacky ghetto mexi-crafted home built water slide. What is wrong with people. Enough about that kooky Mormon/Scientology cross training camp.
Here are my comments on your list:
Best book I've ever read:
The Best Book I've ever read seems to change from time to time. When I was reading books about the Cultural Revolution while living in Communist China I thought those were the best books ever. The first time I read Les' Miserables by Victor Hugo (original version, not the one abridged for idiots who saw the play) I thought that was the best book ever and I swore I would name my first daughter Cosset. When I read Atlas Shrugged by Anne Rand I briefly thought highly of that book. When I read Kon Tiki by Thor Hyerdahl I wanted to sell all of my possessions and sail the South Seas in the worst way. I could go on. I am sorry to mess with the format but things for me do not break down neatly into lists.
The book that taught me more than any other:
I shy away from books that could teach me things, I like to be entertained and inspired, I am very simple minded. One book that did teach me a few things was The World is Flat by Thomas L. Friedman, I really liked that book when I read it.
Funniest book:
I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell – Tucker Max
Best book I read in 2007:
Iron Fist: The Lives of Carl Kiekhaefer by Jeffrey L. Rodengen
Worst book I've ever read:
Under the Banner of Heaven by John Krakwhore I had read all of his books and really loved John Krakauers writing style until I read this book where he pretended to know things and have something important to say when he actually knew nothing. It was then I decided that John Krakauer was an idiot.
Best movie ever:
This is just like the book thing, when I saw Schindlers List and Breakfast Club and Cadyshack or Airplane or even the first Pirates of the Caribbean for a brief moment I thought all of these and many others were the best I had ever seen. This is a fleeting idea for me. Many things are the 'Best ever' until the next thing comes along. Sorry I cannot stick to the format.
Most entertaining movie ever:
I have no idea.
Funniest movie ever:
I agree, Napoleon Dynamite is up there but what about Wedding Crashers and Superbad and those were just in the past few years. Like I said before I hate having to pick just one.
Movie I could watch a thousand times and never get sick of it:
I never really like to watch a movie for the second time unless it has been forever since I had seen it last. I could not even think of watching the same movie, any movie even more then a few times.
Worst movie ever:
I do not know the name but it is fairly recent and is supposed to be loosely based on the life of Kurt Cobain or something like that. It is so bad, I watched like an hour of it and was like what the f***, kill me now.
Most overrated movie ever:
Every single old movie up until the early 1980's - none of them are any good. The first good movie ever was Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid and many movies after that. Before that nothing was very good.
Best Song Ever:
I refuse to answer, too many good songs.
Song that still makes me tear up because I might be gay:
Might be?
Sorry ran out of time. Had some time (flight delay) now I need to go. Talk to you soon.
A few comments on your comment:
1. Any dude that likes Aspen Grove is pussy. Period.
2. You make a great point about thinking something is the greatest thing ever for awhile, then deciding later that something you've encountered more recently is even better than that. Les Miserables was incredible. I also read the unabridged version. I guess that's because we're better than everyone else. As clearly evidenced by the fact that we exchange comment banter via a blog that no one else reads.
3. But I can't believe you said "Under the Banner of Heaven" was the worst book ever. That wasn't just a good book, it was borderline great. If it's just a story then perhaps it's mediocre, but as a guide for why people can turn to religious violence because of insane beliefs like Jesus is giving them revelation, it was very interesting. I really enjoyed it. I walked away disgusted with Mormon doctrines that aid insane people in justifying their crazy beliefs, but I guess that's to be expected. And I'm not talking about Mormon splinter groups. I'm talking about the mainline church.
4. Wedding Crashers was incredible. That scene where the girl is masturbating Vince Vaughn under the table is one of the funniest scenes in the history of movies.
5. I couldn't agree more about old movies. They are shit. Those old actors and actresses were completely without talent. Gone With the Wind is so bad it's incredible. I posted about this before. Old movies suck my ass.
We are better then anyone else and communicating via blogs is very 'now'. Who cares if no one else reads it, you read it, that is all I need. BTW when do I get my big red dot on the map?
You fell right into Krakwhores trap with Under the Banner of Heaven. The idea the those two idiots blew up that church and killed that girl because of old Joe Smith and the violent history of the church is a ridiculous conclusion. Krakwhore is a great story teller but like all great story tellers he bends the truth and manipulates his readers to reach the same stupid conclusions that the weak minded fool reached. The Mormon church has no violence advantage over any other faith. Those two idiots could have been born in Appalachia and would have done the same stupid things. We will have to agree to disagree on this one. I just felt like I was seeing Krakwhore for what he really was, a guy who will take a story and bend it to sell a shitload of books.
Even when I disagree with you I still love you.
Well said but I do in fact disagree. It's certainly true that people will commit murder whether religion is the catalyst for that murder or not. But the fact is that the murders chronicled in that book occurred in part because at least one of those dudes believed God had told him to do it. More importantly, even if he didn't believe it himself, the religious environment in which those guys had spent their lives made such a statement seem credible to his weak-minded brothers. When you believe revelation exists, without a god damn shred of evidence to support such an assertion, you can be persuaded to believe in revelations that literally say anything.
Just like Jim Jones and David Koresh can get their followers to do unbelievable things because of faith, so too can people that follow Mormonism. And since there is no evidence that the unique claims of Mormonism are factual, but there is clear evidence that the religion has irreparably harmed many lives (ask the guys whose wives and children left them because they lost their faith for legitimate reasons. Or ask the 11 "wives" of Joseph Smith that were already, currently married when he married them. Or ask the children of polygamous marriages in the Mormon church then, or in Mormon splinter groups now. Those splinter groups would certainly never have existed if not for Mormonism introducing serialized polygamy to the United States (and by extension, to Mexico and Canada). It's a heavy cross to bear to know that one's religion is the sole reason why communes run by people like Warren Jeffs exist. Krakauer was trying to sell books but he was trying to get the above point across. I thought he did an excellent job in that regard. While he certainly was not focusing on what Mormonism usually does for people, he honestly and truthfully focused on what it CAN do to people.
I am so tired of people blaming religion or medication or whatever for why they do things or why stuff happens. Who hasn't wanted to kill their bitch sister-in-law at some point or another this guy just decided he was going to user the revelation from God excuse. Have you heard of the guy who is trying to get off a murder wrap by blaming Ambian. Now Ambian will do some crazy shit to a person (I once saw my 60 year old Mother who has never tasted of the devil drink drunk off of her ass on Ambian.) but it will not cause a person to murder someone.
You said something a few days ago that was a clarion bell for me on what we all should be doing. You said, "I can live life taking responsibility for my choices." If more people simply did this there would be a lot less bad shit in this world. Think about it. A poor kid growing up in Yemen thinks his life is shit, he can't get a job, there is little to be happy about or look forward to except more of the same old shit. Then some crazy cleric get a hold of this same kid and is telling him it is Americas fault that things are so bad for him and he needs to drive up to one of our ships riding a huge bomb and blow himself up (and then he gets to screw a gazillion virgins forever...even clerics use the sex thing.) If that same kid was like wait a minute maybe I should take responsibility for my own life and make my life better. Instead of blowing up Americans with bombs I could go there and work in a store selling them meat products and sugary convection's while they put gas in their cars. This way I can have better life and still kill Americans, only much more slowly then with bombs.
What bothers me about Krakwhore is that he supports this whole victims mentality. I didn't kill her because I am an idiot, I killed her because my church taught me crazy stuff. I am the victim here not the person I murdered. That whole premise is just weak. It may have some small, and I mean really slight validity, but nothing like old broad strokes Krakwhore painted it.
I bear no cross, I do not blame the church for what people have done. Communes like Arizona city exist because there are a lot of f**ked up old men that like to have sex with young girls, the church just gave them some kind of vehicle to make it happen. Blaming the church is like blaming Ford for a drunk driving death. They helped in some way but bear no blame. If only they made cars out of nerf we could solve this terrible problem.
Blaming the Mormon church for polygamy is not like blaming Ford for drunk driving. Ford didn't invent the car, and even if he had, there's no doubt that the automobile has brought enormous economic benefits to almost every society on earth. While cars can in fact cause some problems (environmental, oil problems, etc), they are mostly a positive thing.
Polygamy is completely negative in almost every way. There's virtually no redeeming value to it. And it wouldn't exist in the United States if not for Joseph Smith. And Joseph Smith created polygamy so he could have sex with whoever he wanted. And the concept survived because the people that followed him believed God had insisted upon it. It's a terrible thing because it was so incredibly unnecessary. Think about it: there are tens of thousands of people in the US, Canada, and Mexico that live in polygamous colonies because of Joseph Smith. I think we can we agree that's a shitty way to live, whether people practicing it say they like or not. So I think we can agree that Joseph Smith created a problem that has no offsetting positives. If you can name one (other than more Mormon babies, if that's a positive), let me know.
Tou'che or whatever. Do they use that expression in France like we do or is it even a French word?
I cannot refute that with no JS there would be significantly less polygamy practiced in North America. I will say this a few other things he brought forth have done some good. What ever you want to say about Mormonism I would have to argue that the movement as a whole has done more good for the world then harm.
You know what actually troubles me more then polygamy is Blacks and the Priesthood. You would have loved to be at my house tonight I had almost my entire family here, five of us and our spouses and my parents around our dinning room table. The kids were raising hell all over the house and the adults were having all of this wonderful and hilarious conversation. My 13 year old son walks in right when we are discussing Blacks and the Priesthood and how Jesus supposedly likes black people less. My son says to my Mom, "Why can't black people have the priesthood?" My Mom quickly says "Oh Honey they can they just couldn't a long time ago." My son not being an idiot counters with "How long ago?" Then my Mom goes into classic apologetic mode with all the standards "The prophets wanted to but the Lord would not let them" blah blah blah "this doesn't mean that they were not worthy" blah blah blah. I can tell my son is not buying this and so I turn to him and say "We have no idea son, I am 37 years old and I wondered why the church did this when I was your age and I still don't really know for sure, nobody does." He seemed to be OK with that answer, I will have to go into it later with him, but what the hell do you say it is really rediculous when you think about it.
Great comment. "Touché" is a conjugation of the French verb "to touch". It doesn't just mean "to touch", per se, but can also mean to run into, to run up against, etc. It's a pretty useful verb. So now you know why people say it in fencing. Fencing is very important.
I'm extremely proud of you for not filling your kids' minds with lies and bullshit. I'll never believe in Mormonism again because it's shit but that doesn't mean I can prove that it's not true. I mean it's POSSIBLE that God told JS to bang 11 married women + his nannies. It's POSSIBLE the Lord told Bruce McDumbshit to make repeated racist statements about black people. It's POSSIBLE Spencer Kimball was inspired when he wrote - in I believe the best-selling Mormon book of all time, other than that pillar of shit Mormon Doctrine - that masturbation causes homosexuality. It's POSSIBLE that black people really are black because God cursed Cain for killing Abel. It's POSSIBLE that JS translated the Book of Abraham through the power of prayer, or that the Papyri he bought along with some mummies from a traveling huckster, which don't say one word about Abraham or anything even remotely similar to it, actually DID contain a record of Abraham. It's POSSIBLE that Gordon Hinckley's admonition that he doesn't understand anything about homosexuality and the Adam and God Doctrine taught by Brigham Young that Hinckley is still God's mouthpiece here on earth and constantly receives revelation. And it's POSSIBLE that Thomas S. Charlatan's widow stories are real.
All those things are certainly possible. And no matter how unlikely they may be, at this time at least no one can prove otherwise.
Given those facts, and the desire you have to keep teach your kids certain values which are espoused by the Mormon Church, I admire that you would at least be honest with him about the fact that we really don't know why black people were kept from the priesthood. You have your opinion and I have mine. To hem and haw and try to bullshit kids into magically forgetting about an issue that's important is ridiculous. My mother does that for literally everything: not facing an issue down. At least you were honest and said "we don't know." Your son will grow up more enlightened than I did because of that.
Now to another question: are you going to encourage him to go on a mission? I mean, you know I had a great experience on mine, and I certainly saw that you did as well. But is that enough of a reason to encourage him not to fuck chicks and to riddle himself with guilt throughout his teenage years just so he can go preach about the church to unsuspecting people who will never learn until it's too late about what JS was really like? Remember, just because he did those things doesn't mean he wasn't a Prophet. But the information about his philandering and the church's racist attitudes is certainly relevant to a discussion of JS and Mormonism, right? So why did we all have to wait for the Internet before we could ever find out about it? Do you want him to spend two years hornswoggling people that Mormonism is the "only true and living church on the face of the earth?"
I guess when I said "Touché" I was saying that you touched me...I wish.
That brings a funny story to mind. I was in church yesterday (like I am at least 48 out of the 52 Sundays of the year)in a teacher prep class being told all about how we all need to teach what is in the manual and leave our opinions and other 'facts' out of it. (I actually agree with this approach and I will explain why later.)
The guy is wrapping up his lesson and he is getting very serious and very emotional because he is thinking of all the teachers and leaders who helped his son who was struggling but found the strength to go on a mission. That is when he drops this one on the class in full teary-eyed regalia. "I am so grateful for all of the church youth leaders and teachers who have TOUCHED my son over the years...blah blah blah. I had to drop my head and laugh without making any noise at all which was very difficult. For the rest of the day I would tell that story to anyone that would listen, I really thought it was funny.
As far as your questions concerning my sons serving missions, there really is nothing I want more for them. It is funny this would come up today. Our neighbor to the East (his mom is the GILF according to my neighbor to the West) has a son who had his farewell yesterday. We have known this kid for several years, he had plenty of ‘moral’ issues but he is going now. I straight up told my son this yesterday, “Zach you know how you pretty much have everything a person your age could want and your Mom and I do everything for you and you are never quite sure how to say thank you? Go on a mission that is how you can say thank you.” I really feel this way Dave. It will not crush me if they cannot go because they liked to play touch pee pee too much with the chicas. This is a very normal thing and I will never allow them to think or be told by either one of their parents anything contrary to this on the matter. What will crush me is if they look at the opportunity and just decide they don't want to do it because they are scared or too lazy to do anything that might actually be a stretch for them. I am much wearier of complacency and laziness in my kids then any kind of morality issues.
I was not kidding when I said I think the church's program for the youth is second to none. The mission thing is part of that. There is a lot more to a mission then just trying to convince/trick people into joining the Mormon Church. There is so much about a mission that can help a person at this point in their lives. I benefited from this program and so did you. There is very little down side to a mission unless you are either A. A total idiot, or B. Surrounded by total idiots.
I would also be just as pleased if any or all of my sons choose to serve in the Military. My only problem with the military is there is a 100% chance they will be surrounded by idiots in the military. Maybe the military choice is only valid if they come out of one of the Academies. My point is this, IMHO a young person needs something like a mission or the military to take their minds off of themselves and their small little worlds and open them up and get them thinking about the other people they share the planet with. A mission is a much better avenue then the military for this, I just have tremendous respect for those who serve their respective countries in voluntary military service. There are other options like the Peace Corps and private volunteer work but none of those has the organizational strength of the LDS missionary program and the military. I will repeat my disclaimer again that this is what I want for my kids, I am not saying it is the best thing for everyone and I am not saying that people who do not go on missions or serve in the military cannot be as good or better then those who do. All I am saying is that this is what I want for my kids. I do not want it for me, I really do think it is a good thing for them.
This reasoning is, in my opinion, what keeps the Mormon church alive. The Internet has had a profound impact on an individual's ability to benefit from the knowledge of the collective. For the first time in human history, a person with no knowledge of a subject has the ability to completely educate him or herself on that subject without any formal training whatsoever. I'm not saying the Internet is a substitute for experience, but as far as disseminating information (and also making it relatively easy to differentiate between what is fact and what is not) the Internet is the greatest tool in human history. Without question. There can be no debate about it.
But the Internet is an enemy to everything that exists based on false pretenses. It's an enemy to hucksters and snake oil salesmen, it's an enemy to liars and cheats, and it's most of all an enemy to religion. And in the case of Mormonism, which is highly secretive relative to other religions, and makes numerous bombastic claims (such as that it's the only true and living church on the face of the earth, that its prophet continually receives revelation for the church and - by extension - for the whole world, that god spoke through a 14-year old boy, that 'the negro' will never be equal with whites until the 2nd Coming, that Abraham wrote his personal history on Egyptian papyri, etc.), it is an enormous enemy because it exposes as fraudulent many of the claims Mormon church leaders had made and held to for nearly two centuries.
What's worse for church leaders today, they can't control the dissemination of truth anymore, so are forced into a position of "don't believe what you read on the Internet", which is a vague way of mixing truth with fiction designed to plant doubt in the minds of all well-meaning people about whether they can trust any source of information that doesn't come from the church itself (again, it's about knowledge control).
In other words, if one person says Mormons perform blood sacrifices in the temple and 10,000 people say the Mormon temple ceremony was changed in 1990 to eliminate throat slitting, church leaders will simply say "People with evil designs against the church say things that aren't true. You mustn't expose yourself to that kind of rubbish." This of course is a true statement, even though only one in 10,000 people has said something untrue. The operating style is designed to keep people in the dark so they can't make definitive decisions about the church's truthfulness unless they've solely consulted church-controlled sources. Search the scriptures, then pray. It's so incredibly disgraceful.
I say all of that for this reason: I too once wanted my son to go on a mission. Even after I realized that the church's various unique claims to truth in fact appear to be completely false, for a while I still wanted him to go (at that time I only had one). Because I wanted him to have the same cultural and educational experience that I had.
But eventually I began to realize that I wanted that for him because I was holding on to something that never should have happened in the first place: a mission experience in which I was selling snake oil. One can have a good experience at any job. I had a good mission experience because it was hard, learning the language was a huge challenge that I wanted to attack (and I could compete against my fellow missionaries at it), and it was a great badge of honor within the society where my parents had placed my identity. Furthermore, and let's be honest, in the society in which I operated I would never get a hot chick unless I went on a mission. Period. Your son is in that society today. Those pressures act upon him every day. I'm not saying he doesn't have alternatives, but if he's not with the church side then he is in the minority where you are. His entire social network changes. His human sources of trusted information must change. There's a big difference between being in the minority and being in the majority, especially in Utah (or Rome if you live in Italy, or Idaho if you're black, or Ghana if you're white. That's just the way it is).
I recognize that the church can help people. But I would posit that, rather than helping people, it tends to help some while holding others back, in order to keep almost all at about the same level. In my case, I realize now that I never had the ambition to go to college anywhere other than BYU. Perhaps that's a great thing. If I hadn't gone there, perhaps I would have ended up at Scottsdale Community College and then would have dropped out. Certainly that's true for someone somewhere. The church helped that person grow and achieve more. Maybe I'm that person. But it's also possible that I could have gone to Princeton, or Harvard, or been a Rhodes Scholar, or I could have spent a summer backpacking across Europe, etc. But I never attempted any of those things because in some way or another all are frowned upon by the church. You and I both know that. And I allowed that to impact my goals at a very early stage in life.
It's not that it's so sad that my goals were impacted by Mormonism; a child's ambitions must be shaped by something. And something is almost always better than nothing. The question is what might have been my alternatives? And the problem is that my ambitions were shaped by something about which I didn't know the facts before I allowed it to impact me. Because those facts were kept from me. That's what's unfortunate.
So the question is, will Mormonism help your son or will it hold him back? You and your wife are the only ones that can make that decision. He doesn't have the ability to make it himself at this point, and by the time he's old enough to do so may already have dedicated two years of his life to brainwashing himself on a subject in which the truth doesn't usually come out until such time that it's too late to change the path he's on (i.e. married and/or with kids), or in which moving from that path is just incredibly difficult.
It's a tough call to make, although in the end it boils down to: 'what do you believe?' The problem for you is, frankly, based on what you've told me so far I think you believe the church is good, but I don't think you believe the church. That makes it an awfully tough call.
Can I just say before we go any further that I enjoy this more then almost anything else in life. Talking with someone I love and trust about things I think are worthwhile is very rewarding to me. It is almost as rewarding as thinking about and writing about the sexual appeal of female cartoon characters.
Dave, we should have been born in ancient Greece, would could have sat around talking all day and if what we said was interesting or profound enough (and it is now and would have been then) we would be revered as philosophers. We would have been supported by the state and adored by thousands. Better yet if I felt like bending you over and giving you the full fury of my man love it would have been completely acceptable. After that I could have gone home and had my way with a few of the younger servants, boy/girl it would not really matter, and later that night if my wife pleased me in some way I might just throw her the figurative bone. What a life! We would have excelled in that life, embraced it, loved it, and never doubted its validity or purpose. Or would we?
I am pretty sure we would have debated all of the same things we are debating now only as they pertained to our life in Greece. You would be convinced that the only path to happiness is exclusive man love and that mixing in a female now and then only clouds things making you confront issues you otherwise would not have to face. I would be committed to enjoying all that both relationships have to offer and would be unsuccessful in dissuading you to join my path. Here we find ourselves this day, pondering equally wonderful things and having much less sex then we would have if we lived in ancient Greece. We compensate for this fact and our need for copious amounts of sexual stimulation by fantasizing about Disney characters for hours on end. Pathetic yet wonderful all at the same time isn’t it? May I add something to your self proclaimed moniker of American Badass, I wish to dub you American Badass Philosopher Extraordinaire or ABPE for short.
Now, on to my response to your excellent, well thought out, and much less angry comment. This reasoning along with the unique reasoning of about 10 million (the other 3 million are total idiots) other Mormons is what keeps the Church alive. The internet definitely plays a major role but it cuts both ways, it ushers some in and it ushers some out. It would be interesting to try and quantify the +/- effect of the internet on the Church some how. At this point all we have is conjecture. The Church while acknowledging some of the negative impacts of the internet like pornography, pornography, pornography, and some faith killing wicked stuff (the above mentioned is the churches stance on the internet not the authors, the author is still investigating the evils of pornography in order to come to his own conclusion on the matter (or multiple conclusions on a semi-regular basis). This ‘research’ should conclude some time before Jesus needs the author to be a missionary in heaven…that is my Death for the uninitiated.) In fact to hear some wacky Mormons tell it the only reason we have the internet is so God can advance his work and people in Iceland can watch Conference on the internet. Do you think Bjork watches Dave?
The point I am trying to make is by and large the Church views the internet as a huge asset. Have you seen the Church site lately, it really is good they really put a lot into it. I always imagine some ‘Christian’ in South Kakalacky who was just asked to teach Sunday School at the Born Again Science Hating Southern Convention of Jesuphites typing ‘Sunday School Lesson Help’ into Google and up comes about 10,000 hits of which 9,069 are from the LDS Churches website. So this poor ‘Christian’ starts poking around and is like holy shit this stuff is awesome. He starts using it for all of his lessons (You know just like that Italian Guy in How Rare a Possession) and the crowds start growing and growing and then one day he is totally busted and all hell breaks loose. The point is the web site is first class and no argument can be made that the Church steers its members away from anything on the internet other then the obvious.
There are tons of Apologetic sites that wage daily battle with all of the anti-Mormon sites and the whole thing is like a lot of other shit that was once clear and easy to understand and then became a huge cluster-f**k (Kind of like the Gospel was for you Dave).
There will be no more debate on the question of the internet being the greatest tool in human history, it is. The only thing I wanted to point out is Mormons love the internet and those who do not are too old or stupid to know about all the porn they could have easy access to…Oh and all of the great gospel resources. I only point this out because it seemed to me like you were painting a picture of the Church telling all of its members to stay away from the internet and all of its’ scary information and stay home and read all of this stuff we print in our magazines. This is just not the case, “I teach correct principles and let them govern themselves” did you forget Dave? Actually I found the entire quote on this cool website today, you will probably not believe this Dave but what Joseph actually said that day was, “I teach correct principles and let them govern themselves…and screw all of the hot virgins they want, they will come all the way from across the globe in a ship for that action”. Isn’t the web cool Dave? I now know exactly what Joseph really said that day…the truth has set me free.
C’mon Dave, the internet is an “enemy to all religion”? A little dramatic don’t you think. At most it is the enemy to all non-hot wives in the world because they definitely suffer from comparison. I am with you on the fact that as a Church we have some pretty crazy smack to throw down on other faiths, like the one and only stuff, they hate that one. They counter with silly name calling “you’re not Christian” and “you think the Devil and Jesus were bothers”. Huckabee, what a rube. Did you hear that aw shucks country preacher ninja bull shit he pulled when asked if he knew anything about Mormons? His response “Don’t they think the Devil and Jesus were bothers?”
REPORTER: Governor Huckabee what do you know about the Mormons?
HUCKLEBERRY: Well golly, shucks, I don’t really know much (other then all of the deep doctrinal tenants I have learned over the years to attack them as a true “Christian” should) Golly , willikers, jeepers, don’t they eat babies at Christmas time?
What a tool that guy is. Not that Romney is any better but if Huckleberry is elected we will have to hide all of the dinosaur bones and kill all of the scientists and that will cost a lot of money.
I also acknowledge and have read many times about most of the other stuff we crazies banter on about. I will not repeat them as I do not want to risk chasing off a single blissfully happy ignorant myopic virtuous Mormon because they somehow find and read this blog (probably by searching for porn which is what most of this blog will eventually be about) and it throws their world into turmoil. Idiots, get out of my church, you want the truth…you can’t handle the truth. (Jack Nicholson should play Brigham Young in a Movie, kind of a mixture of the one where he is the devil with three hot wives and the Shining…Here’s Brigham!) No really I am totally down with the new kinder gentler church. They would totally let you come back Dave as long as you never said anything you actually thought out loud.
There a place for everyone at the banquet (unless you want to see the ‘secrets’ of the temple again, you will have to pay your tithing to be bored out of your skull in there again). Honestly Dave the whole knowledge control thing was an experiment that Howard W. Hunter envisioned while a fake bomb was held to his head (May you never forget who was by your side that faithful day.) G.B. Hinckley briefly installed knowledge control modules in the sacrament trays but because of rampant immorality and the lack of any sacrament participation by anyone between the ages of 12-18 the plan did not work and a whole generation of youth grew and embraced the internet. It was too late to control the knowledge so they went with the classic ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’ stategium. Dave you must have been taking the sacrament back then, the Prophet has since apologized, there will be no more knowledge control programs implemented. (That is until that kook Monson becomes emperor.)
Let me take this all back to my original statement which was “the unique reasoning of about 10 million other Mormons is what keeps the Church alive.” The key word here is unique. It actually amazes me how many people stay in this kooky religion despite all of the craziness and all of the requirements. I ask my close friends about this occasionally and I am fascinated by what they say. Everyone is different; some people just ignore everything because they are happy with their Mormon life and do not want to rock the boat. Some struggle mightily with all of the crazy bull shit to the point at which they either leave or just stop thinking about all that stuff so much. Then there are the roughly 10 million other different approaches people are using to be in the church and be happy. Everyone is different, no one should be criticizing someone for staying in the church or criticizing someone for leaving the church. It is a very complex and very personal thing. I personally have a problem with a lot of things I encounter at church, but most of them are just stupid things PEOPLE do so I just ignore it. Every so often the church does something I find silly or worse, so what do I do you ask? I mock it on a secret blog that no one reads so I do not somehow contribute to the downfall of a myopic.
I will say this, I do love talking to you about this stuff, you seem to have some anger about this whole issue and that is not something I come across that much when discussing the church with people. I really do like just spewing words on a page about this stuff, (and the relative hotness of cartoon characters…I am a complex animal). Dave there is an apparent falsehood to many claims that are made or have been made in our church. There are falsehoods about most things in life we are asked to figure out and make decisions about. If we were to believe what we are taught in life we would all want to be magicians because those A-holes marry the very top trim. What is up with that, it hurts my brain to think about it. There is very little that we encounter in this life that is absolute, 100 %, cannot be refuted or argued against (other then the fact that the earth is only 6,000 years old, who do those “scientists” think they are). I do not now nor have I ever seen the church as some magical source of all that is true and good in the world, to use your words, that is just complete Ka Ka. What I will say is that the whole thing is working pretty good for me, I am somewhere between the freebasing Fudgepackers farts crowd like your father… and you. The nice thing about it is that no one is forcing me to go one way or the other, that is entirely up to me. (I usually choose to go no where… I am lazy remember, the Dude Abides)
There are some real nuggets in this statement you made “Because I wanted him to have the same cultural and educational experience that I had.” Ass nuggets that is, are you a total nimrod Dave? No, really I did want to talk more about this sentence. As much as I believe all science is garbage especially bull shit psychology I do believe you are a partly a product of your environment. I would say that you are entirely a product of your environment but I truly believe I could have been raised by Freddy Mercury, Boy George, and George Michael (all Rock Stars..a man can still dream) and an army of flaming nannies and I am pretty sure I would not wear make up and prefer sucking dicks to slamming trim. There is nothing any of us could do about all of the ‘stuff’ we were force fed from the day we were born. All we can do is look at the information we have available to us and try to make our best decisions. Why do you look back on all the great things you have done with so much regret Dave? You have had and are having a fantastic life, truly extraordinary. Why can’t you look back on what you have done in your life and see it for what it is, really cool shit, all of it, a collective experience that has made you the person that you are. Why look back and be pissed you didn’t go to Harvard or pillage tons of vag and then blame it on the fact that your parents tricked you with Mormon Voodoo. That is not really how it all went down. You acknowledged this in your remarks but at the same time there are all these thoughts about what could have or might have been.
How about this, it could have been a lot worse, How do you like them apples? You could have been born South of Boston and your genius would not have been discovered until you were a janitor at MIT and you solved impossible equations on your breaks. Instead I got to discover your genius at BYU, not much of a difference. (BTW how did those two win an Academy Award for that bull shit movie…Ben, I don’t like them apples and I don’t like you...now go away and screw your hot wife and send me your membership dues for the Over Achievers Club, I will post on the O.A.C. later.)
Embrace the past Dave, our mission was great, who really cares about the snake oil? What were the alternatives for those people? Burning Monopoly money and paper houses, or joining a BBQ church to sing and cook delicious meats over an open fire for salvation? We were doing them a favor Dave, our snake oil was WAAAYYY better then any of the bull shit alternatives.
I am so glad you came to BYU Dave, that place did not suck near the ass it would have if I had never met you and the guys and moved into the house. We had a great time and got an average education for a very reasonable (subsidized) cost. We made out like fucking bandits there, Levi loving, jiz spot hiding, pool table impregnating bandits. I challenge anyone who went to school anywhere to a college story smack down. It could be the guys from the house VS. The entire rest of the world.
ROUND 1 – REST OF THE WORLD “We had crazy sex in weird ways with all kinds of different women, did your ‘frat’ house have that?
US – “Check”
REST OF THE WORLD “We took all of these cool road trips to rock concerts several states away.”
US – “Check”
REST OF THE WORLD “We hung out with the craziest, stupidest group of guys and did some of the most fun and crazy stuff ever.”
US – “Check”
REST OF THE WORLD “We got drunk and stoned all the time.”
US – “Oh no you got us…we really suck.”
Believe me we were not missing anything. Going to BYU was not better then going somewhere else it is just different, and going to Harvard would not necessarily have been better then going to BYU it would just be different. Why carry around regrets, we killed it Dave. Those 6 years you were at BYU and on a mission were executed with such happiness and a flare and zest for life, I have no idea how you look back on that time with such negative feelings now. I say again, what the Fuck is wrong with you grumpy? Can you honestly say that if one of your sons could experience those 6 years of his life in the exact footsteps you lived them in that you would feel bad for him? The kid should be so lucky. What would you rather have him do at that point in his life? Different things are not always better they are just different.
I also think you are oversimplifying what it is like for my son growing up in Utah amidst the dominant culture here. We do not live in a small f**ked up town Dave my kids will have all kinds of options. This may shock you but even with all of the mind control and overbearing culture kids often make their own choices and find their own path. They go here and they go there and sometimes they stay on the path they were raised on and sometimes they don’t. The church does not hold people back or force a person to do this or that, it just is not like that, it isn’t. Now to one thing I do agree with you on, I am mad as hell I did not get to backpack across Europe when I was younger. I got to go all over Asia but I never made it to Europe (and still haven’t) and I do sincerely regret this fact. However, me not going on a backpacking trip has nothing to do with the church, unless Jesus wanted to save me from supper hot Eastern Block sluts and demented Dutch business men that wanted to cut me to pieces…did you see Hostel? Now tell me you regret not backpacking across Europe you whiny bitch.
Dave you didn’t take time out to do something like backpack across Europe because you were one driven and motivated SOB. You had an agenda and slacking off to F**k around Europe for a few months did not fit the plan. Plus you were tight as hell and would never have spent the money. You were a goal Nazi Dave, I always admired that about you, you wanted things and you went out and got them. It was never cool enough or good enough for you to be one of the other thousand stupid new hires at AC, you went out and BS’ed your way into the China Strategy Practice. You are such an overachiever. The problem with overachievers is they do not have as much fun. I f**ked around so much in the 10 months I was at AC that I got my ass fired, do you remember that Dave? Who did I come to first in my moment of crisis…DAVUD? YOU that’s who. Do you remember what you said? You said, “f**k this, f**k AC you will get a better job. You were right, two weeks later E&Y hired me for twice the money (Jesus loves me). What you said to me that day really made me feel better, I really appreciate what you did for me that day. Do you even remember that day?
I never remember backpacking in Europe as one of those things you wanted. Blame your lame ass older brother who you were always competing against. You were in such a hurry to beat his ass at something and somehow he won the F**king Lottery. He must have done something to help Jesus (or Satan for that matter) in the pre-life while you and I were probably pontificating about some stupid topic and missed our chance. How did you ever recover from the Ego beat down from all that your brother has achieved? Lucky bastard, or was it Jesus? The Devil?
Dave it is a stretch for you to blame so much of your shit on the church, you know it and I know it. You should shift some blame to your parents or someone who really deserves it, or what about you just accepting the responsibility for what your life has been? F**k me that is just a stupid idea.
I will teach my son that the church is like anything else in life. It has something to offer you and you need to take a good look at all of the information and make the best decision that you can. There is one other thing I will teach him…for F**k sakes go back packing in Europe for a few months some time between the ages of 18 and 23 and do not be married when you go. There is no way Mormonism can somehow jump up and bite my son in the ass, he will be his own person, he will be aware of what the world has to offer and then my wife and I will put the screws to him until he falls into lock step…hail Hinckley, zig Hail, zig Hail!
If it boils down to what I believe I would have to say that I am still working on that one, but for now the church is working just fine. I am taking a long hard look at a polygamist clan in Nogales AZ that focuses on early exposure to lots and lots of pornography and sex. It’s OK though because they have the Book of Mormon and they totally believe in Joseph Smith.
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