Go Away, Cameron Diaz

Below is a list of the worst films I've ever seen:

Be Cool, Bleu, Charlie's Angels, Ernest Goes To Camp, Howard's End, The Legend of Bagger Vance, Lost in Translation, Mighty Aphrodite, Orlando, Sin City, Under a Cherry Moon, Weekend at Bernie's 2.

Those are the 12 movies out of 507 that received a 1 out of 10 on my movies spreadsheet. I wish I could say which was truly the worst, but each is so shockingly bad that making such a choice is difficult. I can say the following with certainty, however: Compared to the hype and accolades they received, Sin City or Lost In Translation are the worst movies ever. Here's why Lost in Translation was such shit:

1. Bill Murray is incredibly annoying in every way. All the time. And holy cow is he ugly.
   
2. It takes a lot of work to make Scarlett Johansson look bad. She looked bad in this movie.
3. I've been to Tokyo on business several times. I could have made a more interesting movie about Tokyo if I'd spent two minutes with a camera inside a train. Or a toilet.
   
4. This movie was good if you like films in which nothing happens. It was like Bleu in that way: two hours of literally nothing. But if you like movies in which something occurs, anything, of any sort, then Lost in Translation is total garbage. I will say this: at least it had a few lines of dialogue. Bleu didn't even have that.

How people could think such unmitigated rubbish was good is beyond me. It must be one of those things - like the emperor's new clothes - where people think responding to something in an illogical way will show how smart they are. When really it just makes them look like morons. MorONS, not MorMONS. Like in The Emperor's New Clothes, it took a child to speak the truth before everybody saw the light. Well, here I am, speaking it.

And don't even get me started on Be Cool. Or Charlie's Angels. I can't think of anything worse than watching Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz at the same time. I'd rather watch my mom take a dump.

Cameron Diaz might be the worst actress since every actress of the 1930's. When I was a little kid I read Ramona Quimby, Age 8, by Beverly Cleary. At that time I pretty much read everything I could get my hands on, like The Great Brain series, which kicked ass. Ramona was pretty funny and she had an older sister named Beezus. BEEZUS. What a great name.

One day Ramona went to school even though she wasn't feeling well. Her class had a science project going where they were growing fruit fly larvae in some blue oatmeal that they kept for days on a windowsill in the classroom. Ramona got to her desk and was staring at the blue oatmeal feeling very tired, when all of a sudden she had an insatiable urge to yell at her shoes. "Go away, blue oatmeal", she said to herself, then immediately vomited all over her desk and the floor.

Go away, Cameron Diaz.